BonikaStJames

trees

2011-12-05T22:37:00.001-08:00

Rolling back, riding along, clickty clickity clack.
Close my eyes, breathing in, travel down the track.
Letting go, holding on, floating in the tide
Bobbing, weaving through the past, while going for a ride
Fire lights a memory, stored within my genes
Awake and yet in the place touched within my dreams
Run my mind along the days, like hands along a fence
Strange to me how real it feels, this past and present tense
Bump and drift down the track of thoughts and memories
I plant my dreams and hopes and days like a thousand tiny trees

Xmas

2011-12-05T22:36:00.001-08:00

I realized tonight that I can go many places with my imagination. I was with Ela at the Zoo Lights on the train and I closed my eyes and thought of being on a train 100 years ago, riding in the cold across the country to some place. I also felt that I could be 150 in the past at the tea, while lighting a candle at a table filled with china about to have ladies over for an event. I also imagine sometimes, while sitting in front of the fire, how people have done so for all of history and that I connect with them in this way.

It's a process I really enjoy, thinking myself in the past. Not because I wish I lived then. I gave up on that fantasy a long time ago. I LOVE flushing toilets and refrigerators. None the less, I like to think about our history and what makes us who we are today. I also like to think about community and communal experiences. I think it is something we are losing touch with in this 'digital' age. Not just community but our connection to our immediate surroundings. At least this is true for me.

I'm looking forward to the snow that I hope will come this year. I'm also looking forward to walking with Ela though Peacock Lane and a few other Christmas things I'd like to do with her. It is SO wonderful to see her take in all the Christmas experiences. It definitely takes me back to the wonder and joy of being a child at Christmas.

Recipes

2011-06-18T16:27:00.000-07:00

Moved Here:

http://antieverythingdiet.blogspot.com/

joy

2011-03-12T09:11:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to think about joy in a new way as to understand it's sources and how to set up more of my life around them. I was surprised to find out how much of my life I live just going through motions and numbing myself as to not focus on my lack of internal joy. As I've been forced to strip away so many of my distraction and self medications I was shocked to realize I didn't know where the joy was!

I know I have the most intense joy in God. There are moments when I'm elated to realize His love for me. There is this momentum that happens when I see his plan at work in life that feels like being on a roller-coaster. There are times I pray and see so much more that normal and it always is surrounded by hope and love and joy, even when the topic is painful. I want to have more of this in my life.

I love connections with other people where I can help them either physically or mentally. I love being available to be the person who cares and who will really help rather than just have good intentions but not actually do anything. I find joy in the doing and the giving. I also find joy in being appreciated for my work, which may or may not be a good thing as it can undermine just the act of giving. However, a day where a project gets finished or someone says to me "ah-ha! Now I get it" are some of the greatest feelings.

More later...

Dump

2011-03-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

My world is such a conflicting mess of pain, fear, hope, love, anxiety, joy, loss, desire, despair and dreams right now that I feel like I don't know where I land.

I want to be someone who thinks on good things and has a joyful disposition but I feel like that is outside of me right now. I get these glimpses of joy when I pray or when I stop to think about what is possible. Then I walk away from that moment and get stuck in the mud.

I want to let go of all the expectations I have for myself as a wife, mother, friend, student, woman and christian and find freedom. I'm just so afraid that what will happen instead is a life of selfishness and sloth. So I end up plagued by worries about what I should be doing to be "good" and resentful that I can't achieve it because I'm just tired!

I have so much. I am so blessed. Yet I fret over what I can't and don't have. I resent the change in my diet and mobility so much, but others have even less than that and find joy. I'm rich and yet I worry about money. I have a relative life of leisure yet I feel overworked and like I still can't catch up. How do you change that? I don't want to stop going to school, working, taking care of Ela, taking care of the house, participating in church and having friends and family with whom I connect... but how do I do all of that and have any energy. I start to feel so obligated to do EVERYTHING even the things that used to be the things I did for fun. Now I feel like all I have time left for is the minimum and I end up just cleaning, half focused on Ela, doing homework... kinda, and scraping what little is left into friends and church (and by the time I get there I'm grumpy and sad so that time isn't super fun because I'm so focused on what my problems are.)

I want to talk about things that are happy and fun to hear about. I want others to say "wow, she's so positive and funny, I love listening to that girl". Yet I find myself processing my fears and pain instead. I just feel like there are so many thoughts to understand and so many problems to workout to make this life make sense. So many ways to work on the problem of what is best or fair or loving or true. Do I give up on trying to figure that out too? Maybe I could just focus on big issues rather than those that are internal so it's less about what I'm thinking about.

I think there is some magical place where I can find God's joy and serenity and all of these things are just functions on TOP of that. Where it doesn't matter what I can eat or drink. Where it doesn't matter how my day went or how clean my house is and then I will have more room for joy when I'm connecting with people.

God, please give me your joy and serenity and help me to put all else in it's proper perspective. Help me to love my friendships and to be the kind of friend who is loved as well.

Updates

2010-09-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well, not as many as I wanted.

Elanor is so adorable. She's trying to jump but only gets one foot off the ground. She loves cookies. Please is her new favorite word. She has quite a few new words if you can understand them. She's so friendly and affectionate. I love her so much.

I lost my temper with her the other day when she destroyed my lipstick in the car. I didn't hit her but I was more rough than I should have been. Especially when I think that she doesn't know any better. I still feel the sting of my actions when I think about her innocents and my anger. I hope I never get like that with her again. She is so precious and I always want her to see me as tender, patient and loving. I never want her to withdraw from me. Children really do make you realize your weaknesses. What an amazing lesson, if not a fun one.

However, she also brings SO much joy into my life. I've never had something that could bring a smile to my face day after day, just by thinking of her, the way she does.

Sunday

2010-08-16T01:48:00.000-07:00

I am having a hard time sleeping cuz my mind is running. Solving the worlds problems. I've been kinda ugly in my mind about a couple things, mainly related to how I've been sick. I think it's getting better but I don't like being snarky and contemptuous. I want to shake it off.

Elanor has been getting better for a day and then back to sluggish for a day. I started her on antibiotics because I think she has an ear infection. I hope it helps. Her illness has had a couple of positive side effects. I feel closer to her. I realize I really DO like her here with Cindy way better than Day Care (I was thinking Day Care might be good as it is so structured and social) because Cindy is always here for her and offers her more than the day care can. Also, fewer germeys.

I think Erik and I need a couple more days to get over our post illness stuff. Hopefully there will be silver linings there too.

I am still working and schooling. I hope that I can work it out soon to just be in school. That would be SO much better.

Other updates:
Elanor now turns her head to the side when she is done eating in a very determined fashion. She likes The Muppet Show. She lays down on her stomach to read, color and play sometimes. Also in the tub.

I am still working on my pie technique but may give it a rest for a while as I'm trying to turn my illness into a kick start to a better diet.

My garden is doing o.k. but I still need to water more. I'm going to have lots of tomatoes and zucchini soon.

Today

2010-08-04T15:32:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to a lot of audio books as mentioned. I just listened A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore. That was a great book with excellent witty dialogue and a very interesting story. It got a little long 2/3 of the way through but the finish was great.

I am currently listening to Lost Boys by Orson Scott Card. I've never wanted to be a Mormon so much in my life. He's a great writer and gets you really involved in the family of the main characters who are Mormons. They are struggling in a new town and he hints at some sinister doings which I haven't figured out yet.

Elanor is in daycare today while I work on the yard and school work. I took a nap which has left me feeling fuzzy and a bit unreal. Hopefully the coffee will break through soon.

I've been feeling more lovey toward Ela lately. I think it's because she's started to hug me. Also, I've been looking for a locket to keep some of her hair in. I think I'm starting to tap into a world of love and tenderness for her that I could loose myself in. It's kind of bittersweet to think about.

Erik is still gone but will be back in a week. I've missed him. It's easier to think when he's here. Ela looks for him upstairs, in his office and on my headphones. Funny.

July 27th 2010

2010-07-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at Paradox doing homework. I was going to work at Sylvania today but was angry and left. I wanted to return a mouse I bought but they wouldn't take it back. It was my fault for missing the 10 day window but the guy made a huge point of how I was over a month in returning it (by 5 days) and how he COULD have extended the day but wasn't going to. Thanks dude.

Anyway, after getting here my day has been brighter. I've finished my homework and plan to take in Inception this afternoon since Cindy is watching Elanor. Elanor and I had a great day yesterday too hanging with Cindy and Charlotte Saari. We walked to an awesome park and had a good chat. Then some of my favorite ladies came over for a movie night bbq. We ate yummy food and watched The Fall. To top it all off Tami brought me some clothes that I love.

Elanor has been waking up at 6 AM lately... I'm hoping this is a trend that will end with her back to her 7:30 wake time. It's just a bit early for me. However, it does ensure I'm up in time to have my Skype chat with Erik who it is 10:30 at night in China for my 7:30 am. They are great though, Ela sits on my lap with the iPhone and he and I talk. Every once and a while she'll pop her head up and say "Daddy!". It's cute.

Well, I'd better shove off. I've been here for 4 hours and I'm not sure if they appreciate my continued presence. :)

July 24th

2010-07-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

I will go to sleep early tonight or punish myself severely.

Today I went to church where we volunteered at Vernon Elementary. I cleaned windows and weeded. I was a bit pooped from not sleeping much the night before so I didn't kick but, more like blacked an eye. It was good anyway. Dagmar watched Elanor for me.

I picked Ela up and we got lunch. Bad idea... she's still not ready for restaurant life. Then she and I went home and then back out again to OMSI, had dinner and then went for a walk.

I feel sorta bad that I don't know what to do with us when it's just me and Ela in the house. I have to GET OUT and PASS TIME. I hope that is fun for her and not too chaotic. I just hate sitting there doing the same ol' same ol'. Also, she has been pretty whiny when it's just her and I at home which makes me kinda crazy. I hear there isn't much I can do about it till she's older, but it sucks when she's freaking out over something I can't give her and hits me when I try to console her. Today was pretty good though.

I miss Erik a lot. I didn't realize what a difference in EVERY sense he makes when he's here. I feel lost and listless. I think it's compounded by knowing I've got 2 more weeks to go.

Man, I sound bummed. I need more sleep I think.

July 23, 2010

2010-07-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

I'm staying the night with Bill and Dagmar as Erik is out of town. We watched Shutter Island tonight. It was good but unsettling. I'm now watching Work That ROom with Christopher Lowell to 'cleanse the pallet' before bed.

Elanor and I went swimming today. One of the life guards was walking in the pool with a net to catch poo. It was pretty gross. One lady said "What do you do when that happens? Do you empty the pool?" NOPE. It was gross. I didn't see any poo though so I assumed it was a bit of a false alarm. None the less it was gross.

Yesterday was Elanor's first day at daycare. She did great. I used a bit of the time to get my first pedicure since Elanor was born. So awesome.

Love,
B

And Yet

2010-07-21T17:26:00.000-07:00

You make me feel like garbage
and yet
I want to know how you are

You make me feel worthless
and yet
I'll call out to you

I want to show you mercy
and yet
I want you to know I'm hurt

I want to give you grace
and yet
I want your apology.

You say you are my friend
and yet
You have nothing for me

You say you care for me
and yet
You horde your time and words

I am angry and frustrated
and yet
I will give you space and time

I am fed up and over it
and yet
I'll be here if you call

July 20, 2010

2010-07-21T15:56:00.000-07:00

Today I'm sitting at Coopers working on homework. It's nice to come up here to work. The only draw back is it takes me about 45 minutes to drown out the noise. I'm feeling pretty good about my online courses and depending on my financial aid situation next term may take a couple more. Once I got the hang of how they work they are good.

Erik is going to be leaving for China soon. I'm nervous about him being gone that long, mainly because of Elanor. It's just a lot of time without him being there. I have a friend who spends every week without her hubby who works on the East side. I can't imagine how she does it. I guess I can make it too. :) I may stay with the Stanfill's and have a couple guests to pass the time.

Last night I played Magic with Cindy and Eddie. It was fun. Eddie kicked our butts. Also, I got to shave Cindy's head. She is going on a long hike up the Pacific Coast Trail and won't be able to wash her hair much, so it got saved. It was fun. She still looks pretty. It kinda makes me want to do the same but Erik would FREAK out. :)

I finished listening to Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen. Very good book. liked it a lot. I'm debating listening to something I feel like I "should" listen too like The Count of Monte Cristo or Don Quixote. I'm not sure if I will like them and am being very lazy with my choice of books. I don't want to waste a download as I have stupid Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife hogging a slot. I tried to listen to it again today... oh man... it's just not good.

Also, had my braces tightened today. It sounds like I may have them off this year! I can't believe it's been 4 years.

July 18, 2010

2010-07-20T09:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I worked and relaxed. Not much to note but that my Mom bought Elanor the CUTEST pink overall shorts. Elanor is getting a few new teeth, didn't sleep much the night before but she seemed better yesterday and slept well last night. I wasted time on this website: http://2leep.com/0/1/1717/.

I'm LOVING downloading books from the Library. I've ordered Erik a Library card so I can use it too! For him of course (me). I'm listening to Book of the Dead by Patricia Cornwell. It's pretty good and I guess part of a series. I may have to check out more. It's a crime drama who-done-it-murder-mystery. Yesterday I also listened to most of "Aristotle in 90 Minutes". The Philosophers in 90 minutes series are amazing. I learned yesterday that Aristotle was adopted by Islam and Plato by Christianity... so fascinating. I'll have to listen to it a couple more times to really "get it" but that's what's great about audio books.

July 18, 2010

2010-07-18T12:59:00.001-07:00

When to church this morning. I worked with the kiddo's. Elanor was jealous of the twin boys I was carrying around. They were super cute. About 8 months, one with brown hair and brow eyes, one with blond hair and blue eyes, both with the same face.

July 17, 2010

2010-07-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

Went on a 10K walking tour of Gresham today with Cindy, Eddie, Ela and Pickle. We did the Volkswalking route (for class credit). It was fun. There was an Art Walk going on which was interesting. Also, we walked part of the Springwater Corridor and noted that it would be a great place to return to in a month to pick blackberries.

Now I'm going to work on homework.

Addendum

When to the Stanfill's for the evening. Elanor is adorable with the watering cans and the Sesame Street DVD. She also loves Chocolate pudding. We had a fun time just relaxing over there.

Also, Erik and I had a good talk where I realized there is a allegory for life in Ebay bidding. It's that the difference between setting your price and letting it ride and "snipping" where you may end up spending more than you meant to can be like what we will give to other people, or more accurately, how we FEEL about what we give to others. I'm not sure this makes any sense in the typing of it.

July 16, 2010

2010-07-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

I worked half day today at my temp. job. I really like it there, the ladies are nice and the works pretty easy. I can listen to audio-books: today I finished "Sense and Sensibility" and "Vanity Fair". Also, my co-worker bought me a latte. She's brought me a drink from Starbucks on several occasions. Always much more calorie rich than what I'd get for myself, being an Americano girl, but it's so nice of her I just drink them and secretly regret the calories. I'm also a bit lactose intolerant so today's drink had some other... special... ramifications... TMI?

I got off at noon, came home for lunch then went to Coopers on Stark to work on homework. It's a great place for it! I was there for 4 hours. I ordered the Gazpacho (yummy) and a diet coke. I snuck in my own coffee too. I got a good chunk of work done. I have a bit more to do this weekend but feel accomplished. The only draw back was that I drank TOO much coffee and was jittery when I got home.

Cindy was home with Elanor who was running around being adorable in a pink outfit. I guess she got into the pantry today and ate 4 fig newtons. Cindy said she when to the R.R. and came out to see Elanor shoving the cookies in her mouth. Geez. On the plus side, she said "nana" today when served banana and gave kisses to Cindy, Erik and I when prompted. She's pretty frugal with those kisses. She also hit Erik in the nuts with an empty paper towel tube with made me giggle. He wasn't so happy though.

Other than that there was a quick trip to Fred Meyer for groceries to "fill the larder" according to Erik. Also, I made Trader Joes Tuna and green beans for dinner then I baked cookies to finish off my molasses. I think I'll round off the evening with X-Files.

P.S. Fred Meyer is a place I could spend endless time wandering around window shopping, people watching and trying on clothes. I'm kind of addicted.

P.S.S. X-Files is a great show, except I watched the episode "Home" the other night and had to 'cleanse the palate' afterward with Giada cooking biscuits so I could sleep. I'm still worried there is a mutilated inbred baby machine with creepy eye-light on rollers under my bed.

Crap Memory

2010-07-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

I have a crap memory when it comes to autobiographical things. I've had several people ask me "Remember when we..." and I usually say "Nope". It sucks, really. I want to remember - I just don't. Sometimes I can if I get a good amount of context and try hard.

At the risk of sounding pitiful I'm sure it's related to having a crappy childhood and avoiding memories during some important neurological-formative years. I talked to my counselor about it and he recommended keeping a daily diary of things to help me keep track. I thought it was good advice. I've been meaning to get started for a while but forgot. HA! My friend Marjanna reminded me of it today.

In general I've been avoiding blogging because of the pressure to say things that are interesting or funny or worth book deals etc... BUT since this IS a great medium for diary keeping and as I promised myself to stop being so neurotic about journaling (aka: compulsive need to have all days in order in the same book) I'm going to take a stab at getting this going.

Be warned if you read this it could get really boring and is really just a memory exercise. Although it might be just the voyeuristic insight into my daily life you've always wanted... weirdo.

Books and other information.

2009-03-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

There are tons of books out there on baby rearing philosophies. There are even more websites. I just about made myself crazy trying to learn what I am 'supposed' to do with Elanor now that she is here. After many conversations and LOTS of research I have come up with what I think is best for Elanor and thought I'd pass it along. I'm no doctor so I'm not directing anyone on how to take care of their kids, but this is what I've gleaned from my research.

The first 6 weeks.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. The baby is too little to learn 'habits' and is just learning to trust you. If you want to 'work' on anything just be sure you are giving the baby full feedings at each feeding. This isn't so much to 'teach' the baby as it is to give you the maximum break between feedings because if the baby is fuller they will wait longer until the next feeding. Also, if the baby seems tired (yawning, disinterested, fussy, etc..) let them sleep. Again, you aren't really teaching the baby anything yet, it's more that you don't want the baby to get over tired because that can make them even more fussy and it's hard on you to have to soothe them when they are in that state.

During this time 2 useful tools I found were the "The Happiest Baby on the Block" and "Dunstin Baby Language".
Key points from THBOTB are the 5 S's:
Swaddle your baby.
Side or stomach hold them.
Sway them (rock, swing, burp)
"Shhh" in their ear as loud as they are crying. Use white noise.
Suction is soothing so use a pacifier, finger or nurse
Key points from DBL are the 5 baby words:
Neh - I'm hungry
Ow - I'm sleepy
Eh - I've got to burp
Eair or Air - I've got to pass gas
Hah - I'm hot, cold or otherwise uncomfortable.

These two 'methods' allowed me to learn a about what Elanor liked for soothing and what she actually needed. I was feeding when she needed burping and added white noise, both these things helped a lot with her.

I did start my logs during this time of eating times, diaper contents, awake/sleep times and other notes just so I could notice trends and be more honest with myself about what I was experiencing. This is helpful for me mostly as I can see when she is going through growth periods and I can also see if it really is that she's been eating 'all day' or just added one feeding.

6 weeks to 3 months
Start working on Nap and Night Time routines. We wrote ours down and as soon as she yawns we put it to play. She sleeps a lot but this is good for her according to "healthy sleep habits, happy child". (Let me say this is a great book and highly recommended by friends, doctors and nurses I've spoken with.) One of the key points in this book is sleep begets sleep so don't let your child get over tired. Ways to help with this are to establish routines, respond quickly to sleep queues, be consistent and sometimes you have to let a baby fuss to get them to sleep.

more later...

Breastfeeding

2009-03-26T10:55:00.000-07:00

We made the decision to breastfeed Elanor. It's the hip thing to do and there are many benefits, it's good for her, it's portable and free, it's good for me and it's bonding. It's also an interesting commitment and another layer of 'things to worry about' when having a child. I didn't realize how touchy a thing like 'milk supply' could be. I can't really complain because I've had a good experience compared to some of the Mommy's I know but I will share my thoughts none-the-less.

My milk came in quick and I was engorged for about 3 days. During this time I massaged in the shower, worried about clogged ducts, slept with washcloths in my bra, during the day I put cabbage leaves in my bra... it was very interesting. I also pumped a TON of milk for storage. I was therefore certain that 'milk supply' would not be and issue for me. WRONG.

I started trying to 'schedule' my daughters feedings within the first two weeks of her life because I wanted to be "babywise". I can't blame the book, I think I applied my normal perfectionist tendencies to the process and tried to focus to much on time and not enough on full feedings. What ended up happening is my milk supply dropped sharply after a few days of doing this. It was such a shock when I realized that I wasn't able to give Elanor full feedings. She survived and was still gaining but it took a lot more effort all of the sudden.

I got a couple tips from my Lactation Consultant that really helped. First, I started taking an herbal blend that boosts milk supply. I took the liquid form they have at Whole Foods and that worked great. However, it's a bit of a pain because you can't drink for 20 minutes before or after and I am a constant drinker. Because of this I started taking the herbal capsules and that works well too. It's not as immediate and profound but it's easier and still effective. I ran out this week and noticed a difference during the gap.

I also let Elanor feed more often and 'pacify' at the breast. That helped. I pumped a couple times a day (usually I only do this after the morning feed). I also pump both sides at the same time because it's supposed to help stimulate the milk production hormones with more intensity.

I feel like things are good and steady now but it's always on my mind.

Oh, and then there's food and drink. I was SO looking forward to being able to drink again after Elanor was born, even if it was only a glass or two it would have been a nice freedom. Unfortunately anything more than one glass and she gets cranky. I don't even like to 'pump and dump' because there is nothing that is worth going into the evening with a cranky Elanor so it's not worth the potential that the next feed will still be tainted.

Also, she is sensitive to milk and something else I haven't figured out yet. I feel awful that I've broken out her face twice due to my milk consumption. Also, there is something in my diet giving her gas at night that I'm not sure about. I think it has to be one of the vitamins I'm taking because it's the only consistent but I don't know for sure yet.

I just have to say THANK GOD she doesn't seem to have an issue with coffee!!!

All in all I'm glad we decided to breastfeed and I would really like to make it at least 6 months. Sometimes it's hard but I am glad we decided to do it.

Processing

2009-03-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

I realize that I write about a lot of difficult or frustrating things here. I do that because I'm a verbal (written or spoken) processor and this helps me work out what gets stuck in my craw. I wanted to take a moment therefor to write about a few of the great things in my life.

I love having a daughter. She is sweet and beautiful and the littlest things she does make my heart happy. She is smart and strong and happy which I don't take for granted. I am so blessed by her. I'm thrilled that she is gaining weight well (already 12 lbs) and is healthy.

I'm also blessed that Erik is my husband. He has been very supportive. We both have to adjust to make this work and he is always open to talk about how that is going for him and to be honest with me about his challenges and struggles. He also listens to mine and boy, can I go on. He will take some difficult shifts for me when I'm tired which is a big help. I also love how much he lover Elanor. He has a way with her that is very special.

I also have so many other wonderful people in my life. Erik and I were talking about our 'church' and how it may not have walls or meet on Sunday but we definitely have a church of friends and family who support and love us.

That brings me to what I am most thankful for and that is my Father. God is an awesome God and I have so much peace knowing that all is in his hands. Erik and I are contemplating our future and it is with the full knowledge that we are blessed and have a stable foundation in Christ. I know that my daughter is loved by God and that gives me strength and peace knowing that He can do more for her than I ever could. I'm blessed by knowing Him every day.

I could go on about how blessed we are to have this house, live in America, have plenty of food, and so on but I will just say this... We have all we need and want and I am grateful everyday for it all.

Postpartum

2009-03-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

I was not prepared for how hard postpartum would be. I had heard of the baby blues and of postpartum depression but I didn't expect it to be like it was for me. I was a MESS. For the first few days home I would cry all the time at the feelings of guilt and shame I felt for no apparent reason. I felt at a loss for the 'right' way to take care of Elanor and searching online made it SO much worse. I would stew and dwell over the details of how best to take care of her. I would get so confused and worked up that I had to have one of my best friends Alanna, who is a mother, talk me down multiple times. To top it off at night around 7PM I would go through only what I can think of as Hells Vortex. It was an hour or so of pure emotional torture over nothing. Erik and I would sit and pray through it. It was horrible.

Also, I could see how people go psycho after pregnancy. I had some strange thoughts that I swear would come from nowhere and mess with my head.

After about two weeks of constant crying and fear I called the Dr. again. The first time she said what I was going through was normal and to stop reading online. The second time we discussed Antidepressants. I talked with Erik about this and he said he thought it was a good idea. As I was in NO place to make a rational decision I trusted Erik's judgment and started on Zoloft. I'm serious when I say within hours I felt different. I felt like all of the sudden I could make a rational thought again and that we would survive this. I actually relaxed... praise God. I'm SO glad I listened to Erik. I thought about going off them almost right away thinking "maybe it was just that my hormones had peaked and it was over" but Erik rightly suggested I stay on.

I stayed at half a dose for almost 4 weeks before just this last week I started to go through some of the same feelings again. I had been considering weaning off but instead I started taking a full dose. There aren't really any negative side effects other than I think it effects my milk supply a but but I have this great elixir that helps with that (more on milk issues later). Also, I'm not supposed to drink while taking it which, if you know me, is a bummer... however, it really is better while I'm breast feeding not to drink anyway. (Duh, I know, but you can have 1 or 2 and it's no biggie.)

Now I know if we have another I will start Zoloft before my due date just to be ready. Also, I now have a different perspective on how to better 'be there' for my friends who have just delivered and how they might feel. I will now do more to go over and help or call to talk through that time. I'm grateful for my friends and family who talked with me and prayed with me during this time. I don't know what I would have done without them.

Having a baby

2009-02-23T15:39:00.000-08:00

There is SO much I've learned about having a baby... I thought I would right some of it down before I forgot it all... like they say you do.

First off, I was surprised at how freaked out I was before going to the hospital. The night/morning before I was VERY tense and anxious. I freaked out and cried. I was so scared about the unknown. I'm grateful for Erik who comforted me. As it turns out it wasn't so bad. I choose ahead of time that I was o.k. with drugs so when my contractions got to the point where I couldn't get thru them silently and with ease I asked for the epidural. That made a huge difference in the whole day. The pushing was rough and it hurt. I wanted to give up and for the pain to stop. However, the instant it's over... it's over. You realize you got through it and you're back on drugs again. I know some folks don't approve of drugs during child birth but I think they are wonderful and am grateful that I gave birth in a time where they were an option. However, I'm not sure I would be induced a second time. I will get to my emotional state after birth in a bit but let me just say there are some who believe pitocin increases the hormone swing after birth and it that is part of what I went thru it wasn't worth it.

I was really surprised at how much I ended up LOVING being in the hospital. I could have stayed in that room for 2 weeks. The nurses at Adventist are amazing and I loved the attention and support we got. Leaving was so much harder than I thought it would be and I cried every time I thought about it for days after...

Oh, got to go feed the baby...

Tradition

2008-12-15T18:19:00.000-08:00

This years ugly ornament.

Not much to write about

2008-10-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much to write about... that or maybe I'm just not in the mood. Either way life has been good. Elanor is moving around all the time in my belly. I don't know why but I didn't realize that would be the case, the constant movement. It's weird and wonderful. I realized just yesterday that I've been thinking of her in terms of the ultrasound picture and not a flesh and blood thing. All of the sudden she now has flesh and hair when I think of her inside and isn't gray and snowy. Weird.

My sister and her wonderful hubby are moving to Portland soon. They biked down the PCH toward home (OC California). Here is a blog of their journey. They are very adventurous people!

http://www.noimposedlimits.blogspot.com/

Help me understand

2008-09-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

So, I watched the Presidential debate and was struck by a concept I didn't understand 4 years ago and I still don't now: that is to watch which way the 'political wind' is blowing (aka waffling) is bad.

Maybe I'm just missing something.

To me it seems having political leaders who look to the American public to see what they are wanting and moving toward would reflect a desire to do the will of the people. However, I get the impression this is seen as weak and pandering. Is this because it shows strength to be unmovable in ones resolve? Is it still strength when the majority of your constituents disagree with your viewpoint?

Now, I'm not saying that I think Kerry or Obama have a history of waffling... I'm just saying I don't understand why if they changed their mind on something, that would be a bad thing.

Maybe you can help me understand?

Ireland Videos

2008-08-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

I know this is old news but I uploaded some videos of our Ireland trip:

You should be able to see them here.

I'm sure it will escalate to this someday

2008-06-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

The Great Office War - Click here for more home videos

Written for Work...

2008-06-03T17:11:00.000-07:00

I've often heard that there Pots of Gold at the end of rainbows in Ireland but I think it really should be Pints of Guinness. At least that's how it seems once you've been there. Going to Ireland from Portland Oregon is an education in many things, but of course one of the most important is beer. In Portland you can have your pick from hundreds of micro, craft or macro brews where in Ireland your typical choices are Heineken, Coors Light, Bulmer's, Smithwicks, Budweiser, Carlsberg and of course Guinness. Usually each pub would have at least two taps of Guinness and many pubs were externally lined with empty kegs of the black stuff. My favorite beer was actually the Smithwicks (pronounced 'smith-icks') but enough about beer...

On our whirlwind trip of Ireland we visited more than just pubs. A few of the beauties of Ireland we took in were the Cliffs of Moher, the Brú na Bóinne, and the Giant's Causeway. I have to say my favorite day trip was to the island of Inisheer (Inis Oírr). It was a 20 minute ferry ride from the coast of Ireland at Connemara to this, the smallest of the Aran Islands. The island has 250 inhabitants and speaks Gaelic as a primary language. It was a gorgeous landscape dominated by bare limestone and green grass. There were hundreds of they typical Irish rock walls on the island penning livestock or just serving as property fences. There were two ruins on the island at it's peak, one of which was an O'Brien Castle (Erik's Grandmothers surname). The view from the ruin was amazing. We enjoyed our time on the island riding our bikes. My favorite part of the island was the wreckage of the Plassey the rocky beach. It was eerie and beautiful to see they way the ship has eroded over time staining the rocks orange and red.

For my first trip out of the country I'm happy we picked Ireland. The people were nice and the country was lovely. But, although we loved our vacation, I am glad to be back. There are things I took for granted like how much more expensive it would be in Ireland, how wonderful the water tastes here in Oregon and how much I like access to the internet on my terms. I guess there is just no place like home.

Here is a link to more pictures.

Church of Portland

2008-05-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you know that Erik and I have been looking for a new church since the Helix dissolved. We've had the opportunity to visit many amazing places and have got to know many amazing people. I wish we could just go to church with them all!

I remember the first Sunday we went to the Helix some 4 or 5 years ago, Nathan was preaching a sermon called "Why can't we all get along?" I remember even then thinking how true and poignant a question that was. Why can't we all get along? Or more pointedly, why are we all so divided?

I've seen some amazing talent, wonderful resource, support, thoughts, ideas, people... all in different places and sometimes struggling in spite of God's gifts to them. Why do we struggle alone when there is a pool of believers in Portland so big we could do so much more? We are little bodies separate but just think if those bodies came together to be The Body.

I see this opportunity to share our needs and our wealth. Cross pollinate so there is strength and support for the Kingdom to do it's work. Maybe monthly group meetings. Maybe weekly classes and discussions. Maybe just a network. You guys are teaching a class my guys need. We have a service opportunity to get your folks involved. I would love to be a part of that mission. I think there are others who would be interested in that too.

What I see as the major hindrance is belief. In my understanding most churches divide and become exclusive over conflicting beliefs. This is especially sad as it is clear from the Word that this isn't God's desire for the church. Why do we allow the enemy to separate us? A house divided against itself will stand.... right? However, it does happen and we all know there are some places we would rather go verses others based on belief.

If this Church of Portland were to exist we would really have to decide on the bedrock points of belief that would be necessary to connect. Everything else would be up to the individual church but not the focus on C.o.P.

So, what are the bedrock points? I think they are something like this:
1 God in 3 persons: Father, Son, Spirit (Trinity)
Man is separated from God (Sin)
Christ died to reunite us with God (Justification)
The Spirit works within us to make us like Jesus (Sanctification)
We are to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind & strength (Worship)
We are to love our neighbor as our self (Humility)
Church & Bible = Good

Am I missing anything? I mean there are other important bits like prayer, grace, baptism, etc.... but these are the biggies.... right?

With these things in mind we work on getting people together. Maybe monthly or every-other-month at first. Just to start discussions and networking. Then we start to match needs to support. We start helping people find other churches with classes, leaders with support networks, missions trips could combine to add strength, etc. We could have discussion groups for new believers. We could get to know each other to help people find churches where they could serve if they are searching. We could go to separate churches but still connect and pray as a larger body. We could become and actual Church of Portland.

What do you think of this and would you be interested in this type of endeavor?

Projects

2008-03-27T23:13:00.001-07:00

I have friends doing amazing projects....

1. Mail Order Zombie. My friend Derek from work is reviewing Netflix zombie movies. It's a great podcast and you should check it out.

2. Amelia Bedelia. My friend Tami is doing a short film based on the children's story Amelia Bedelia. I worked with her on this project and it is amazing.

You should check both out if you get a chance.

Marriage

2008-03-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

I only ask because I need to know
If I ran away, would you try to catch me?
If I played hard to get, would you get me?
I long for you, to show me.... to be that guy.
Is that selfish? Can you do it? Is this fair??
I love you. I want to SEE your passion.
I know you love me, are commited, won't stray.
Is it more than honor, is it desire?
Is it because you'd start over again, with me?
Let me know by your actions. It would help me.
Do you want the same? Is this human nature?

Closure

2008-02-27T08:32:00.000-08:00

Everything went well yesterday. The staff at Adventist are great. All along the way they were caring and compassionate. One guy even hilarious. My OB is wonderful! I was able to walk out a couple hours after surgery feeling pretty good. Beth brought us yummy burritos and Guinness. (Only Erik drank Guinness as I was on vicodin, but I tasted a little, just for scientific purposes). Erik and I watched Hot Fuzz and talked Ireland.

Today I'm feeling pretty good. I'm not in pain physically. I'm also feeling good emotionally. I'm feeling happier. I think I'm feeling closure. I'm not saying this isn't still hard to think or talk about, it is. However, I'm not feeling the weight I was before. I feel like I have more energy mentally and physically. Of course, all of this this may change but I can't worry about... that is one sure way to pop one's cork.

Thanks again to everyone who has prayed and sent along kind messages. We have felt loved and cared for. Thank you also for offering to share stories and to listen to mine. I may take you up on that at some point. Thanks for offering food and support. Thanks for all the other things. You have all be great.

Please keep us in your prayers. We will probably start trying for a baby again in May/June. Hopefully Ireland will 'inspire' us!

Love you all

update

2008-02-25T08:21:00.000-08:00

I went to work on Friday. I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not but I am glad I did. My coworkers are really a wonderful group of people. I was shown so much love and tenderness it truly touched my heart. I was actually a little overwhelmed by the love I felt. What a gift.

I have continued to receive kind words and love this weekend from my friends and family. Teresa took me to tea. That was a bright spot. I've had lots of emails and kind comments. That has been so encouraging. I wish I could say that it took the pain away, I can't, but it does help me know we'll get though this. It also helps to know I'm not alone. I've been surprised by the # of women who've experienced something like me.

Erik has been amazing. He is the best husband. He has been patient, sweet and playful. He pushes me a bit to smile and play but pulls back if I need him to. That is perfect for me. I know this has been hard for him too but it seems to me that he is mostly concerned about how I'm doing. I really am very blessed.

We went to church on Sunday at our friends church. I could have worshiped for a long time. I was so broken before God I wanted to praise him and to be comforted by him. I wish there was a place to go any time any day with awesome worship where it didn't stop until everyone was ready to move on or go home. (I guess that's me longing for heaven again.) I am grateful that this hasn't made me angry at God. I do hope he helps me through though because I feel like I'm becoming a bit depressed and I don't want to close myself off to him.

One of the hardest things for me to think about right now is hope. I'm normally a very hopeful person. I want to be hopeful that we'll get pregnant again and that it will work out but that seems so in conflict with how I should feel. I almost feel like it would be a lie to say 'we can do this!' I guess for now I can hope that I will find hope. Yes, I can do that and hope that I won't get too depressed or that my dark cloud won't linger long.

I made the decision to have the D&C on Tuesday. The not-knowing when things would happen was really stressful and also I was pretty scared of the process itself. At least this way it will be over and I can be prepared for how it will happen. I wanted to wait to let things happen naturally but it is just too hard for me. Now I just have to face how my body will react and how I will feel emotionally. I'm still scared but not like I was.

However, I don't like thinking about it or talking about it. Maybe I'll feel better when it's over. Also, I can't process what I will need, it's too hard for me to think about. Please bear with me while I work it out. Please keep praying for us. Please love on Erik.

I love you all.

Sad News

2008-02-21T19:56:00.000-08:00

So, today we went to the DR and found out that I will be having a miscarriage. I guess I was/am pregnant but the fetus never formed. So, my hormones and other body functions act as if I'm pregnant but the fetus never started developing. It's called a blighted ovum. Details below.

This is sad and hard. I feel at peace but also embarrassed for how many people we told we were pregnant. Now I have to tell them we aren't (or shortly won't be) and also deal with the few I've told by mouth that I won't get to tell in time before they come up and say "How's the new mommie?". I think that will be worse for them than me but still sad. Also, until I actually miscarry my body will still behave pregnant... that is the part that is baffeling to me. Needing sleep and having weird food aversions but for no really reason.

I would love prayer for Erik and I. He is upset by this as much as me, if not more. We both know we will eventually get pregnant again because now I know I CAN get pregnant. That is good. We also know that there is something to learn from every dark day. That is good too.

I keep thinking that this is one of those things that is hard to talk about and will probably make social gatherings a bit awkard for a while. So, I thought I'd let you know we've been planning a trip to Ireland in May and still plan to take it. This is something fun and nice to focus on if the conversation gets too sad. I might bring it up if I need a change of subject. ;)

What is a blighted ovum?
A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry.

How do I know if I am having or have had a blighted ovum?
A blighted ovum can occur very early in pregnancy, before most women even know that they are pregnant. You may experience signs of pregnancy such as a missed or late menstrual period and even a positive pregnancy test. It is possible that you may have minor abdominal cramps, minor vaginal spotting or bleeding. As with a normal period, your body may flush the uterine lining, but your period may be a little heavier than usual.

Many women assume their pregnancies are on track because their hCG levels are increasing. The placenta can continue to grow and support itself without a baby for a short time, and pregnancy hormones can continue to rise, which would lead a woman to believe she is still pregnant. A diagnosis is usually not made until an ultrasound test shows either an empty womb or an empty birth sac.
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html

Bun in the oven

2008-02-13T13:32:00.000-08:00

I like the idea of noting some things about pregnancy so that I can look back on it someday and share it with my child if they find this sort of thing interesting.

I realized I was pregnant on a Monday morning. I took a test on a whim to see if it would explain the random yet extended cramping I'd been experiencing. I never expected it to actually be positive! Erik had already left for work so I knew I would have to wait to tell him till the evening. I had to go 9 whole hours being the only one who knew my good news. That is hard for someone like me!

I had expected my stomach to leap or fall when I found out but it wasn't like that at all. It was just something interesting to note and ponder a bit while walking to the bus. A few times that day it crossed my mind and I wondered if it could really be true.

After work Erik picked me up, we ran to the store where I covertly picked up test #2 and went home. I made dinner, took the test, set the table and prepared to break the news. I told Erik and he was surprise and excited. We decided to tell his parents that evening.

That was when it started to sink in for me. I was telling people I was pregnant. I didn't really FEEL pregnant and it was just some plastic stick that I was basing this off of. I started feeling like I was fibbing or fooled or something. I had to stop talking about it and to sleep on it.

The next day I went to the Dr. and took another test. They assured me that I WAS pregnant and I started to cry. "Is this a bad thing?" the nurse asked. "No, no it isn't a bad thing. It's a very very good thing." She seemed relieved.

This is when we started spreading the news. We now it's early to tell people and that there are many risks ahead but we truly feel this was an answer to prayer so we figured... let's keep the prayer coming!

So now a couple weeks have passed and it still seems unreal. The things that let me know I'm pregnant aren't what I expected. I'm tired a l l t h e t i m e. I had to take a rest while cleaning the house. That never happens! I go to bed around 10 and don't get up till 8:30. I still want to nap in the middle of the day. I don't feel nauseous really, only once and a while, however, pretty much all food sounds gross. The ONLY thing I like consistently is sugar. Dairy is right out. I am fond of color in strange ways. There is this yellow transparent folder at work that I had a very strong attraction too. I wanted to make it part of me.... I think I was craving vitamin C. Also, there is the Dominos truck that drives by a cafe I visit on Thursday that is very soothing and comforting. Yeah, I know, weird.

I have my first visit to an OB next week. I'm looking forward to it as I'm hoping to confirm how far along I am. My guess is 7 weeks right now but who knows. Could be more and could be less. I have lots of questions to ask like, can I travel, how hot can my baths be, can I take Tylenol, stuff like that. Should be fun!

Soon I will write about why this was such a miracle and other observations... that is if I'm not busy sleeping.

Made

2008-01-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

This helix of hurt spins on
My strand is caught up in the mix
My X and the Y and the Y and the why....

I pray the defect isn't lasting
I pray for robustness of life
I pray we grow strong not weak

Forgive me for rambling

2008-01-09T08:09:00.000-08:00

Christmas is over and so is my birthday which usually marks the end of the season for me. It was good. I had some very fun times. Although there were some sad times too. All in all though there was something this year that was missing and I have walked away with a bit a cloud over my head.

I've realized how much I miss my sister being around. She is one of the only people I feel I can truly be myself with. (Erik would be the other although it is different) If I talk till my mouth hurts it is all the same to her cuz she'll do the same. I can be goofy or look horrible and she doesn't care. She can also really push my buttons and it's not all sunshine but I can say what I think and if I hurt her feelings I know we'll be o.k. Same goes for if she hurts mine, I know it will work out. When she leaves I feel partially empty. Not to mention I really like her husband, and so does my husband, so I can't but wonder at the potential we would all have to be close if she lived near by.

Then last year brought the loss of the Helix. I don't know when I'll get over this. I was bawling in church a couple weeks ago as the loss hit me afresh. I greatly underestimated the value of knowing my 'service' and feeling like I was pouring it out. I also underestimated how it would impact my relationships. Knew I would miss seeing my friends week after week and knowing what is going on in their lives. What I didn't realize was how I would miss feeling like we were plowing the same field with the same goal of glorifying God, praying together and worshiping together. Also, watching their children grow up a week at a time.

Serving in a church glues you together in a way that not much else does. The Helix was my community and now I'm watching the pieces drift apart. I know all involved are still my friends but it is not the same. I wish it could be. I am going to a new church but it's slow going. I really admire and like the people but it's still SO fresh that I've just lost. I'm looking at making this investment for a 3rd time in my adult life without being certain it won't be the last.

I long for a community That would be involved in my live and I it it. That would stay alive for the course of my life. That would be close to me and accept me. I want to be a part of the lives of people and their children and they with mine. I want to have traditions and know others long for my part in them as much as I long for theirs.

I feel that I'm being ungrateful for the friendships that I have. When I had my Christmas Tea and my Birthday party a good many of my most favorite people chose to be with me. I really enjoyed both days and the time I spent with my family. Those were very bright spots in the midst of all of this and I'm so thankful that I have these people in my life. I just I love them so much want to serve with them and be a part of their every day life. Or at least a part of their every week life.

When I write it out I can see that what I am longing for is Heaven. The uninterrupted union and harmony of my bothers and sister living and working together for God. That is kind of reassuring and a little frustrating. I'm sure it's blasphemous to say this but it is difficult for me to 'live for heaven' and not this life. Letting things go to trust God that in eternity they will manifest by His hand is very difficult for me. I wish it weren't so but it's the truth. I supposed if I lived with an eternal perspective I would live VERY differently. Hmmm....

It's so strange to me our hearts cry for what it will only have when they stop beating.

Birthday Bash

2008-01-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

Well, it was of the fun.
Thanks to all who came!
The pink gorrilla was the best part.
So awesome....ly scary.

Feeling Fickle

2007-12-28T13:51:00.000-08:00

Well.... Now that the holidays are over I'm kinda partied out. I feel bad that I'm being so fickle about my birthday party plans but hey, it's my party and I'll waffle if I want to.

So, here's the deal. I'm going to have a game night. I got a couple of really awesome games for Christmas so I think it would be fun to break them in. Also, I still think having some Wii video games would be fun. It'll be BYOB but I'm going to make mulled wine and may have some champagne on hand if it isn't consumed on New Years.

Also, if you want to give me something I'm hoping that Erik will have picked up my STRONGLY emphasized hints for a sewing machine so I could use fabric, batting and other sewing type items. If that is too domestic I would also love some paint thinner, canvases or other painting supplies. However, it is not necessary to buy me anything to come and enjoy my b-day with me.

I'll send out detailed invites soon but if you are reading this consider yourself invited.

B

Band's Needed

2007-12-19T18:08:00.001-08:00

With the recent, and very sad, death of that kid in a bounce-house I think I'm going to skip that idea. Erik was kinda being a party pooper about it. He was all, it won't fit anywhere and it'll probably rain. Technicalities!

Instead I'm wondering if any of my friends-in-bands want to play for my party on Jan 5th. You down? I can promise the most awesome and semi-constructed garage/venue ever. I'm hoping for one band in particular. cough bedm cough

Anyhow, all'ya'll need to save the date for the party. It will also probably be byob. Kegs are a lot of work too. And there's the pressure pick the perfect beer and then to drink it all. That and maybe we should have video games. I hear they are all the haps these days. Any thoughts on that?

Bonnie's Birthday

2007-12-08T17:33:00.000-08:00

So.... I turn 31 on January 5th, which happens to be a Saturday, so I'm thinking I should have an awesome party... right?

What I would really love is to get a bounce house. I was tricked into thinking a party I was going to a year ago would have one and I've never recovered from the sense of lost bouncing. But those suckers are expensive. Maybe it's time to make it happen for myself.

Also, a pony keg would be kinda cool if it was big party.

Is it tacky to ask for people to pay money to go to a kick ass party with a bounce house and a keg? Cuz that would probably have to happen.

I dunno. I was being a Grown Up last year and had a quite, mature shindig. Maybe this year is the silly year.

Thoughts?

Wandering

2007-10-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

While my sister, Cory and I wandered the Pearl last week we came across an artist whom I haven't been able to forget. His art is amazing.

David Carmack Lewis

If you would like to donate $ so I can buy one of his paintings I would take it! :)

Life is good

2007-10-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

So, Erik is done with school and is now working for Intel. We are so blessed by this! I had worried, no matter how hard I tried not to because I KNOW God is good, that we would have to struggle and wait for Erik to get a job. Silly Bonnie.

Now the plans are pretty easy. Now that I have a car we want to finish the deck and then the media room. That will be so wonderful. Then we can have awesome movie nights. We'd like to travel too. Erik may get to travel with work so I could join him a couple times.

We've started going to City's Edge church in Beaverton. We like it and think it's our new thing. Erik has know the pastor forever so it's really been a blessing for Erik to reconnect. It's really scary for me though. I'm such a jump-right-in-and-get-right-down person it's hard to start over. I really like everyone so far though. We also like that it's a Friends Church. I pray that we will be a blessing to them and vice versa.

Most awesome...

2007-10-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

... Mercury cover ever and I mean EEVVEERRRRRR:

Actual New Car

2007-10-10T18:20:00.001-07:00

Well, the other car had an undisclosed 'salvaged' title... so that was a no go, and actually, i think, a God send. I got this car instead:

It's very awesome. I got it from Rich at Rich's Volvo Only. He's a funny guy. I'm happy I bought it from a repair guy. He fixed the window while I waited.

Also, the FM wasn't working when I bought it but the guys at Washman who detailed my car fixed it... Awesome.

So, anyway, no more bus or bumming rides for this girl. In fact, I can really haul _ now! Literally, there's so much space! Hahaha.

New Car

2007-10-09T19:48:00.000-07:00

I plan to by this car tomorrow! Yippee!

Digging holes, pouring cement and mounting brackets.

2007-09-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

Vacation!

2007-09-19T13:37:00.001-07:00

Well, if you know me you know vacation would be a vacation without a project. Here it is:

Work continues :)

Flight of the Concords

2007-09-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

Yes Yes Yes

Events for Erik's Graduation

2007-09-04T17:28:00.000-07:00

Just in case you never tire of celebrating Erik's wonderful achievement (I know I don't) here are additional fun graduation activities you can partake in. Please note Erik is the Official Student Speaker at his commencement!

Events for Graduation:

Gradate Portfolio Show:
September 14th 2007 from 1:00 pm - 3:00 pm at
The Art Institute of Portland
1122 NW Davis St, Portland Oregon 2709

The Commencement:
September 14th 2007 at 4:00 pm at
The Northwest Children's Theater
1819 NW Everett St, Portland, Oregon 97209

The Open House:
September 15th 2007 at 11:00 am at
Erik and Bonnie Stanfill's home
(comment for details)

A Co-Graduation Party:
September 15th, 2007 at 7:00 pm at
The Swenson's home
comment for details)

A wonderful Poem!

2007-08-16T15:52:00.001-07:00

To laugh often and love much;
to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children:
to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation,
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...
this is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Book 7

2007-07-31T14:05:00.000-07:00

So... if you want Harry Potter Book 7 in a funny foul mouthed nutshell.... click here.

Thanks Marjanna

Harry Potter

2007-07-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

I'm finished. I liked it, didn't like it, liked it and then loved it.... that has been the book in quarters.

It's pretty great.... I think I'll like it even more on second reading.

Get out of my room

2007-07-11T23:45:00.000-07:00

Erik and I split up the office into two seperate rooms. Yeah... it's way awesome. I know have my own room.

I spent time decorating it and putting up art and reminded strongly of how my room looked for many years as an adolescent and young adult. It strikes me how much we change overtime, swapping clutter and kitch for order and sophistication.

It makes me happy that I now have a room that reminds me of my youth. I may just have to play video games and smoke in here to get the full effect.

to be loved

2007-07-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

I bounded up like an excited dog
in a rush of love and affection
unseeing of the glass you held in hand
and like the liquid it contained
my love discarded brings joy to no one

trying

2007-07-05T11:20:00.000-07:00

throwing pebbles into a well to fill it up
hoping once full it will yield results
fearing once full it will be done with me

bees

2007-07-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

you are like bees
your honey is sweet and i long for it's flavor
yet you fly away and sometimes sting

2 faces

2007-07-05T11:13:00.000-07:00

You have 2 faces
both are beautiful but 1 I don't like to look at
1 reflects your inward strength and willingness to fight
1 reflects your insecurity and hunger to succeed
both are beautiful but 1 I don't like to look at
1 is soft and strong and light and love
1 is calculated and driven and false and hard
both are beautiful but 1 I don't like to look at
1 is hope and friend and giving
1 is fear and advantageous and taking
both are beautiful but 1 I don't like to look at

My lover

2007-07-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

The closer to God I feel the more intimacy I have with nature
Just He and I and no one else - courting and holding hands
His hand is the stick i carry and his hair the leaves I touch
His wet kisses the rain on my face
He becomes tangible at last

Coaster

2007-07-02T19:57:00.000-07:00

High
Low

That's what you do to me.

Kinda, Kinda

2007-06-28T18:14:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've updated my blog. I guess I think blogs are kinda cool and kinda silly. However, if you happen to read this you'll know what I've been up to more recently...

I got no free car. That's o.k. We've made it work. It's kinda weird cuz I thought God was going to provide a free car. I'm not upset cuz, like I said, I've got around fine. It's just I wish I could tell more clearly when God is telling me to ask in faith and when it's just my wishful thinking. Anyway, I know God will provide a car when the time is right.

Book 7 is out soon and I'm all a titter. I can't wait. I'm paranoid that the end will be ruined for me before reading it but I guess I can't live in fear. I've been listening to the books while working in the yard or walking. It's lovely as I love the books and it makes everything more fun. I feel a little childish for my love for the books but I can't change the truth.

Changes at church. We're closing up shop. I have many varied feelings about this. I am relieved and scared. I am hopeful, faithful but uncertian.

That's the main biz. There's more but what to say?

Free car?

2007-03-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

Having only one car sucks. Erik ends up in the car all the time between driving him and myself around unless I take the bus. The bus is o.k. but it makes for a really long day.

However, I have no $$ so what I need is a free car. Nothing great, just something simple. Something that won't leave me stranded on I-5 either.

I don't want to get one of those add cars cuz I can't imagine a red-bull can does much for gas mileage.

Any ideas?

6 things

2007-03-09T12:08:00.000-08:00

The Rules:People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you have tagged them in their comments & tell them to read your blog.

1. I like weird music. Usually I like something because it reminds me of something else. However, I'm really lazy about buying music so I end up listening to the same weird music over and over.

2. I want to be known as feminine and as a tom boy.

3. I both love and dislike talking. I feel like I have plenty and nothing to say most of the time.

4. I am compulsively helpful, even when it's not.

5. I have a deep love for Portland. I love walking in Portland in the morning and watching what other people are doing. Sometimes I like to just sit and look at Portland from different vantage points. Two of my favorites are the bus stop on the Hawthorne Bridge and the Portland City Grill lounge.

6. I am an unapologetic people watcher. I am fascinated people. There are many times were I just stare at people and listen to there conversations. This can get me into trouble due to point 4.

Sorry, I am not tagging. If you haven't done this yet though please do and let me know. I'd love to see your 6 weird things.

Songs from my youth

2007-02-19T21:50:00.000-08:00

Down on the Bingo Farm
Oh, the farmer's name was Hiram
In the morning he would hire 'em
In the evening he would fire 'em
Down on the Bingo farm
Oh, the wife's name was Lucy
And she was kinda woozy
From drinking apple juicy
Down on the Bingo farm
Oh, the maid's name was Mabel
And she spilled milk on the table
So now she sleeps in the stable
Down on the Bingo farm
Oh, the handyman's name was Moses
And he had ten toeses
So he didn't smell like roses
Down on the Bingo farm
Oh, the dog's name was Rover
And he used to roam all over
But now he sleeps in the clover
Down on the Bingo farm
CHORUS:
On the
B-I-B-I-B-I-Bingo
B-I-B-I-B-I-Bingo
B-I-B-I-B-I-Bingo
Down on the Bingo farm
http://barrygoldberg.net/sillysongs.htm

There's a Hole in the Bucket
There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, my love.
Then fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, fix it.
With what shall I fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza,
With what shall I fix it, dear Liza, my love?
With wood, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With wood, dear Henry, dear Henry, with wood.
With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, dear Liza,
With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, my love?
With an axe, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With an axe, dear Henry, dear Henry, an axe.
The axe is too dull, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The axe is too dull, dear Liza, my love.
So hone it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
So hone it, dear Henry, dear Henry, hone it.
With what shall I hone it, dear Liza, dear Liza,
With what shall I hone it, dear Liza, my love?
With a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, a stone,
The stone is too dry, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The stone is too dry, dear Liza, my love.
So wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
So wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, wet it.
With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, dear Liza,
With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, my love?
With water, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With water, dear Henry, dear Henry, with water.
With what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, dear Liza,
With what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, my love?
With a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, a bucket!
But... there's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, my love.
http://barrygoldberg.net/sillysongs.htm

Waddely achee
Waddely achee waddeley achee doodley doo doodley doo Waddely achee waddeley achee doodley doo doodley doo
Simplest thing there isn't much to it, all you've got to do is doodley do it,I like the rest , but the part I like best is doodley doodley doo
http://www.scoutorama.com/song/song_display.cfm?song_id=61

Mairzy doats
Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?
Yes! Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mairzy_Doats

The State Song
Oh what did Dela ware, friends, Oh what did Dela ware?
I ask you again, as a personal friend, what did Dela ware?
She wore her New Jersey, friends, she wore her New Jersey.
I tell you again, as a personal friend, she wore her New Jersey.
Oh, how did Flori-die, friends? She died in Mis-sour-i, friends.
Oh, what did Io-way, friends? She weighed a Washington, friends.
Oh, what did Ida-ho, friends? She hoed her Mary-land, friends.
Oh, how did Wiscon-sin, friends? She stole a New-bras-key, friends.
Oh, what did Tennessee, friends? She saw what Arkan-sas, friends.
Oh, where has Ore-gon, friends? She's taking Okla-home, friends.
Oh, what did Massa-chew, friends? She chewed her Connecti-cud, friends.
Oh, what did Missi-sip, friends? She sipped her Mini-soda, friends.
Oh, what did Ohi-owe, friends? She owed her state Taxes, friends.
Oh, why did Califone, friends? She called to say, "Hawaii," friends.
http://www.kidslist.uc.edu/kidslist/gs/neil/nsong1_003.html

I'm a "Helper"

2007-02-18T08:20:00.001-08:00

Hello again. It's been a while. It's not that I have nothing to say... I just don't usually have anything to say that I think will be "interesting" to the world at large. I don't know why I care so much about being interesting or funny. I guess we all want to be special and noticed.

My life has actually been busy and full of interesting things lately. I have a handful of friends who are about to give birth so there were showers to be thrown. I have changed my shift at work to 10:20 – 7:30 which has impacted my sleep life in good ways and my social life in negative ways. Erik just filmed his senior project which was a blast to work on. I wanted to do more but it wasn't my project. I have confirmed for myself that I'm a "helper". I guess some would say I'm a "buttinsky" but I am good hearted so I prefer "helper".

I had written a post about how frustrated I have become with people and how disappointing it can be to see people behave in selfish ways or not take responsibility for their own actions. But then I had lunch with Kim and she gave me amazing advice and perspective. She said that it is a miracle of God that I don't hate all people after the way I grew up and that his grace has allowed me not only to forgive people but to love them and want to serve them. This is true. What's more, she pointed out that the enemy has worked hard to make me give up on people over and over, and yet I haven't. I can feel it now creeping up again but again she pointed out that I am currently considering going into ministry and of course Satan would redouble his efforts. Hmmm.... Very good point. Actually, it was what I needed to hear. Her words were like balloons in my soul lifting me up. Thank you Kim!

Broken tooth

2007-01-14T22:40:00.000-08:00

You remind me of a broken tooth. Something I run my tongue over and every time I get a jolt in the pit of my stomach. I am waiting for the moment I realize that the break isn't a surprise... isn't foreign, but instead the new norm in the landscape of my mouth.

I'm screwed

2007-01-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

So, as you probably know, I got braces. As a part of the metaly goodness I also got a screw in my jaw to pull two of my back teeth forward. Somehow I thought it would be a lot more sexy and high tech than it was. The surgeon numbed my mouth, poked me with something pointy to be sure my novocain worked and then took a screw and hand screwed it into my jaw. The best part was that the first screw was too long and I could feel it with my tongue on the inside of my mouth so he had to replace it with a shorter screw.

I guess I just thought that it would be more like surgery and less like repairing a chair or making my Christmas tree stand.

What is the point?

2007-01-01T10:57:00.000-08:00

I can't figure out what the point is
but I feel it constantly jabbing me in the back

Dialogue

2006-11-16T16:12:00.000-08:00

Right hand: Why have we been here so long! I hurt, I have to let go.
Left Hand: Hang on my friend, don't give up. It will get better.
Right Hand: What do you mean? I see no end to this, we've hung here for ever and no help is coming.
Left Hand: Help will come. Help always comes.
Right hand: You can't know that, you don't know how tired I am or how much it hurts.
Left Hand: I do, it will come and I know how it hurts, I'm hanging on too. Just hold on!
Right Hand: I can't, I can't hang on anymore. There is no point.
Left hand: You can! You must! I have hung on as long as you and it isn't as hard anymore, the pain is dyeing away. Think of when it's over and what a relief that will be. Let that be your hope.
Right Hand: Hope? We've been here for what seems forever. Maybe your hope makes it easier but I can't hold on anymore, I can't.
Left Hand: If you let go I'll have to hold the weight for both of us, if you let go I'll be in this alone.
Right Hand: I can't help that, I can't help you... I just have to let go. Just for a moment. I'm tired and I hurt, I will break if I don't let go. If I don't give up.
Left Hand: Please think about what that will do to me. Think about what that means for the rest of our body.
Right Hand: How can I. They don't feel this pain, they don't know this ache and this fear and this exhaustion.
Left hand: Yes, they do. I do. But if you won't see it there is no point in arguing. I can't make you understand or hold on.
Right Hand: That's right, you can't.
Left Hand: Then let go. I hope it helps.
Right Hand: It will, I know it.
Left Hand: I know you think it will, I hope for you sake it does. Goodbye.

Where have all the cowboys gone...

2006-11-10T14:02:00.000-08:00

I would say I traditionally identify myself with the 'Alternative' culture most of the predominant cultures I am presented with. I primarily listen to alternative music and I tend to participate in activities that would be associated with the culture. I am politically liberal/independent which is the norm for the alternative people group and I am also a mostly independent person which is typical of the group too. However, lately I have been finding myself really attracted to the 'Country' culture and lifestyle lately. Not the music as much but what is reflected in it's music. I have found myself attracted to the themes, clothes, the pastimes and other parts of the culture.

In that culture there is a strong sense of men and women that is appealing to me. You might find that in conflict with my strong advocacy for equal rights and distaste for sexism but I really don't think it is. It's more of an embracing of the two for what they are, not melding them together and not saying one is better than the other. There is something so beautiful about how women are portrayed as beautiful and delicate in country music and how men are portrayed as strong and loyal. There is a celebrating of the relationships that happen between men and women. This is in such contrast to the way men and women and their relationships get portrayed in the alternative culture. Within the alternative culture there is more focus on the disappointments of relationships and the erasing of the distinctions between men and women except where it comes to sexuality or domination of one over the other.

I find the fierce supporting of ones ideals and beliefs attractive too. That's not to say that I agree with all of the ideals and beliefs that would be typically attributed to the country culture, however I like the way the group seems to come together on the issues and stand up for them. Within the alternative culture there seems to be such an apathy present. Occasionally a political voice is raised but it is usually in a subversive and rebellious way. I usually agree with the causes that do get presented but I struggle with the underling motivation. There is a push to get involved out of rebellion rather than out of duty and solidarity. This allows for the group that tend toward apathy to see that as a way to get back at the man rather than seeing apathy as laziness.

Also, although I don't really care to watch livestock run around or line up and dance in step with my friends I do like that there is a sense of community and connection that is so much more prevalent at these events than at a Show at a bar or a Concert. When we go to shows or concerts we all stand alone side by side, not talking, not participating, not connecting. We may share in the enjoyment of the music but fundamentally we are still alone.

I don't plan to start attending rodeos or plastering my house with the flag. I don't plan to start listening to KBOOT or start line dancing but I am considering wearing pretty white dresses with coy boots, investing more time in agriculture and figuring out ways to connect with the people around me. I also want to rejoice more in the ideals of family, that I love my husband and want to stay with him forever and get excited when I feel like a woman.

Fall

2006-11-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

I love fall. It's beautiful but also very cold.

Things are going well. Actually it's been hard to know what to update because nothing that dramatic has happened lately. I guess that's good. : )

I'm excited that the holidays are coming up although I may not enjoy Thanksgiving Dinner as much as usual.

Fun times

2006-09-25T19:46:00.000-07:00

Fun times
Originally uploaded by Bonikastjames.

We just got back from our trip to California. It was very fun. We walked a LOT. I've posted some pictures to my flicker site.

loosing battle

2006-09-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling lord
To not struggle
I'm fighting
not to fight
thinking about
not thinking
Help me
please

Funny

2006-08-22T17:43:00.000-07:00

Death Star

Final Goal

2006-08-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

Ravi Zacharias, a Christian apologetic, said "Anything that refreshes you without distracting from, diminishing or destroying your final goal is a legitimate pleasure." So, what is my final goal? What is my purpose?

I want to serve Christ in everything I do. I want to be known as a person after God's heart. When I die I want to hear him say "Well done, my good and faithful servant.
I want to be the healthiest person I can be. I want to be peaceful, hopeful, faithful and loving. I want to have good boundaries, be assertive and stand up for what I believe.
I want to help others be the healthiest people they can be.
I want to be known by my family and friends as a good and generous person.
I want to serve people by praying for them, working for them, giving to them and hoping for them.

This is all I can think of for now. I would like to flush it out a bit more sometime.

Portland Photo scavenger Hunt List

2006-08-12T13:53:00.000-07:00

Partial points for the more you get. (#1=1, #2=.5, #3=.5, #4=.5, etc.) 3 together = 2

1.Vintage style neon signs
2.things that start with each letter of the alpha bet (1 per letter)
3.Numbers and Letters (not street signs or house numbers)
4.normal things making other shapes or symbols
5.Art from the ordinary
6.Animals, not normal domestic like bird, dog or cat / or domestic animal in unusual situations
7.large donuts
8.Modified bikes
9.people wearing a funny hats or fancy, funny or extreme hairdos
10.witty tip jars
11.dry or people packed fountains
12.strangers taking a pictures
13.fake/art (plastic, wood, metal) animals (different sources each time)
14.interesting shoes on wires
15.signs that are funny, redundant or ironic
16.eroded old historical billboards
17.broken down fences
18.tree branches growing around something
19."you are here" signs
20.abandoned furniture
21.pictures from the inside of elevators with more than 25 floors
22.people not wearing dentures or pictures of dentures or teeth
23.the toothpaste section of multiple stores
24.menus inside of restaurants (not posted on a window)
25.people on cell phones, the Internet or computers
26.things from the 1980s
27.people in weird outfits
28.chalk drawings or any sidewalk art
29.protesters (different causes)
30.thing representing different countries or cultures
31.buildings covered in unusual objects
32.people in line
33.sidewalk fossils or other imprints in cement
34.People at work at different jobs
35.Houses painted in wild colors

3 point value for stand alone pictures
1.a yellow Ferreira
2.someone playing the harp
3.a neon sign that says "Doorway To Values"
4.A man dressed as Santa Claus
5.a bunch (more than 5) of baby chickens
6.A person in a 1 piece leisure suit
7.take a picture of a highly recognizable Portland figure (people in bands, on tv, in politics, etc...)
8.an electric car (not a hybrid)
9.a n articulated bus (bends in the middle) (not max or street car)
10.an old lady feeding pigeons
11.a mariachi band
12.a parked helicopter
13.a carved ice-swan
14.a blackjack table with people at play
15.a denomination bill over $100
16.a Cuban cigar(says Havana Cuba on the band)
17.an elevated piano Â like suspended in the air
18.someone making a snow cone
19.Jesus, Mary or Elvis in a shadow, mold, water spot etc.
20.a fire breather or sword swallower

Tips, add more to the list, the more the better. Give yourself plenty of time - 2 hrs isn't enough. Multiple cameras to a group is better.

Other things that would be good. Couples holding hands, Arrows. Personalized license plates. Pictures famous people

Not working

2006-08-12T00:10:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to a lot of Joyce Meyers lately. She has a couple podcasts. I really like what this woman has to say. She has inspired me in many ways in the last few weeks.

A couple of things that strike me, and you'll get why if you know me, is what she has to say about peace and excitement. She talks about how we, as American's, are addicted to excitement. She also talks about how living a peaceful life can be boring, especially at first. This has really challenged me in a new way to just be in the moment and be o.k. with boredom. I'm realizing the importance more and more of quiet.

It was until about 6 months ago that any time there was silence or a drawn out pause in worship that I would feel the need to fill the gap. It was until I encountered God in the quite that I just thought it was wrong and SHOULD be filled. Then suddenly I realized that the quite was just as much a time of worship as the noise. Sometimes I still worry that others are waiting for things to move on, but then I think "Hey, not everyone is like me or how I used to be" and I let it go. I'm starting to see a lot of value in the quiet and how it connects me in a different way to God and my community.

I'm also challenging myself to spend time just sitting in quite. It's hard as I'm easily distracted or I get tired, but I'm just trying to ride it out or be o.k. with falling asleep for now. Just making it a habit is worth it.

So, I'm working on working less : )

I know!

2006-08-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

I realized the other day that I'm a know-it-all. I didn't realize it before and when I did I felt kind of embarrassed cuz I realized I've been wrong recently on a few of my answers. I've always known I'm a "verbal processor" and a "high talker" but I didn't realize I am a "know-it-all" too. It's just when someone has a question I want to be helpful and answer it... even if I'm just guessing. Then the other day I was about to offer my 'insight' on a topic and the thought hit me "why are you doing this? You don't know a lot about this." A weeks worth of 'insights' came back to me and I thought "huh, I bet I've been a bit annoying lately". Anyway, I can't change the past but I'm going to try to make an effort to not be so "helpful".

It's that thing in me... I want to help... everyone... all the time... I guess thats a noble desire but probably a bit annoying none-the-less. Anyway. Here's to not knowing it all... or at least trying. ; )

Mmmmm.... Meat.

2006-08-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

http://www.blackwidowbakery.com/demo/meatcake/

Shadow Friend

2006-08-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

You are like a shadow
Sometimes solid, sometimes faint, sometimes not there at all
In fact, the more I shine the light at you
The more you disappear

I wish it wasn't so
I love you and want to know you
I think you like me to
But I guess I just won't know

Study on Miracles - Seriously Long post

2006-07-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

Miracles - how to have faith for the impossible.

Question: "Does God still perform miracles? Why doesn't God still perform miracles like He did in the Bible?"

Answer: When God performed amazing and powerful miracles for the Israelites, did that cause them to obey Him? No, the Israelites constantly disobeyed and rebelled against God even though they saw all the miracles. The same people who saw God part the Red Sea later doubted whether God was able to conquer the inhabitants of the Promised Land. I invite you to read the parable in Luke 16:19-31. In the story, a man in hell asks Abraham to send Lazarus back from the dead to warn his brothers. Abraham informed the man, “If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead” (Luke 16:31).

Jesus performed countless miracles, yet the vast majority of people did not believe in Him. If God performed miracles today like He did in the past, the same result would occur. People would be amazed and would believe in God for a short time. That faith would be shallow and would disappear the moment something unexpected or frightening occurred. A faith based on miracles is not a mature faith. God performed the greatest miracle of all time in coming to earth in the Man Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for our sins (Rom 5:8), so that we could be saved (John 3:16). God does still perform miracles - many of them simply go unnoticed or are denied. However, we do not need more miracles. What we need is to believe in the miracle of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ.
Recommended Resource: He Still Moves Stones by Max Lucado.

Question: "Are the miraculous gifts of the Spirit for today?"

Answer: First, it is important to recognize that this is not a question of whether God still performs miracles today. It would be foolish and unbiblical to claim that God does not heal people, speak to people, and perform miraculous signs and wonders today. The question is whether the miraculous gifts of the Spirit, described primarily in 1 Corinthians chapters 12-14, are still active in the church today. This is also not a question of "can" the Holy Spirit give someone a miraculous gift. The question is "does" the Holy Spirit still dispense the miraculous gifts today. Above all else, we entirely recognize that the Holy Spirit is free to dispense gifts according to His will (1 Corinthians 12:7-11).

In the book of Acts and the Epistles, the vast majority of miracles are performed by the apostles and their close associates. 2 Corinthians 12:12 gives us the reason why, "The things that mark an apostle — signs, wonders and miracles — were done among you with great perseverance." If every believer in Christ was equipped with the ability to perform signs, wonders, and miracles - signs, wonders, and miracles could in no way be the identifying marks of an apostle. Acts 2:22 tells us that Jesus was "accredited" by "miracles, wonders, and signs." Similarly were the apostles "marked" as genuine messengers from God by the miracles they performed. Acts 14:3 describes the Gospel message being "confirmed" by the miracles Paul and Barnabas performed.

1 Corinthians chapters 12-14 deal primarily with the subject of the gifts of the Spirit. It seems from that text that "ordinary" Christians were sometimes given miraculous gifts (12:8-10; 28-30). We are not told how commonplace this was. From what we learned above, that the apostles were "marked" by signs and wonders, it would seem that miraculous gifts being given to "ordinary" Christians was the exception, not the rule. Outside of the apostles and their close associates, the New Testament nowhere specifically describes individuals exercising the miraculous gifts of the Spirit.

It is also important to realize that the early church did not have the completed Bible, as we do today (2 Timothy 3:16-17). Therefore, the gifts of prophecy, knowledge, wisdom, etc. were necessary in order for the early Christians to know what God would have them to do. The gift of prophecy enabled believers to communicate new truth and revelation from God. Now that God’s revelation is complete in the Bible, the "revelatory" gifts are no longer needed, at least not in the same capacity as they were in the New Testament.

God miraculously heals people every day. God still speaks to us today, whether in an audible voice, whether in our minds, or whether through impressions and feelings. God still does amazing miracles, signs, and wonders - and sometimes performs those miracles through a Christian. However, what was just described are not necessarily the miraculous gifts of the Spirit. The primary purpose of the miraculous gifts was to prove that the Gospel was true and that the apostles were truly God’s messengers. The Bible does not say outright that the miraculous gifts have ceased, but it does lay the foundation for why they might no longer be necessary.

1Ch 16:12 - Show Context
Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
Ne 9:17 - Show Context
They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them. They became stiff-necked and in their rebellion appointed a leader in order to return to their slavery. But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them,
Job 5:9 - Show Context
He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.
Job 9:10 - Show Context
He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.
Ps 77:11 - Show Context
I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
Ps 77:14 - Show Context
You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
Ps 78:12 - Show Context
He did miracles in the sight of their fathers in the land of Egypt, in the region of Zoan.
Ps 105:5 - Show Context
Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
Ps 106:7 - Show Context
When our fathers were in Egypt, they gave no thought to your miracles; they did not remember your many kindnesses, and they rebelled by the sea, the Red Sea.
Ps 106:22 - Show Context
miracles in the land of Ham and awesome deeds by the Red Sea.
Mt 7:22 - Show Context
Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?'
Mt 11:20 - Show Context
Then Jesus began to denounce the cities in which most of his miracles had been performed, because they did not repent.
Mt 11:21 - Show Context
"Woe to you, Korazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! If the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes.
Mt 11:23 - Show Context
And you, Capernaum, will you be lifted up to the skies? No, you will go down to the depths. If the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Sodom, it would have remained to this day.
Mt 13:58 - Show Context
And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith.
Mt 24:24 - Show Context
For false Christs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and miracles to deceive even the elect--if that were possible.
Mr 6:2 - Show Context
When the Sabbath came, he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed. "Where did this man get these things?" they asked. "What's this wisdom that has been given him, that he even does miracles!
Mr 6:5 - Show Context
He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them.
Mr 13:22 - Show Context
For false Christs and false prophets will appear and perform signs and miracles to deceive the elect--if that were possible.
Lu 10:13 - Show Context
"Woe to you, Korazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago, sitting in sackcloth and ashes.
Lu 19:37 - Show Context
When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:
Joh 7:3 - Show Context
Jesus' brothers said to him, "You ought to leave here and go to Judea, so that your disciples may see the miracles you do.
Joh 10:25 - Show Context
Jesus answered, "I did tell you, but you do not believe. The miracles I do in my Father's name speak for me,
Joh 10:32 - Show Context
but Jesus said to them, "I have shown you many great miracles from the Father. For which of these do you stone me?"
Joh 10:38 - Show Context
But if I do it, even though you do not believe me, believe the miracles, that you may know and understand that the Father is in me, and I in the Father."
Joh 14:11 - Show Context
Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves.
Joh 15:24 - Show Context
If I had not done among them what no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. But now they have seen these miracles, and yet they have hated both me and my Father.
Ac 2:22 - Show Context
"Men of Israel, listen to this: Jesus of Nazareth was a man accredited by God to you by miracles, wonders and signs, which God did among you through him, as you yourselves know.
Ac 8:13 - Show Context
Simon himself believed and was baptized. And he followed Philip everywhere, astonished by the great signs and miracles he saw.
Ac 19:11 - Show Context
God did extraordinary miracles through Paul,
Ro 15:19 - Show Context
by the power of signs and miracles, through the power of the Spirit. So from Jerusalem all the way around to Illyricum, I have fully proclaimed the gospel of Christ.
1Co 12:28 - Show Context
And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different kinds of tongues.
1Co 12:29 - Show Context
Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles?
2Co 12:12 - Show Context
The things that mark an apostle--signs, wonders and miracles--were done among you with great perseverance.
Ga 3:5 - Show Context
Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?
2Th 2:9 - Show Context
The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with the work of Satan displayed in all kinds of counterfeit miracles, signs and wonders,
Heb 2:4 - Show Context
God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will.

Study on Hebrews 11 - Long post

2006-07-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

General Faith
1 The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. 2 The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. 3 By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.
Able
4 By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference. That's what God noticed and approved as righteous. After all these centuries, that belief continues to catch our notice.
Enoch
5 By an act of faith, Enoch skipped death completely. "They looked all over and couldn't find him because God had taken him." We know on the basis of reliable testimony that before he was taken "he pleased God." 6 It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him.
Noah
7 By faith, Noah built a ship in the middle of dry land. He was warned about something he couldn't see, and acted on what he was told. The result? His family was saved. His act of faith drew a sharp line between the evil of the unbelieving world and the rightness of the believing world. As a result, Noah became intimate with God.
Abraham (Isaac & Jacob)
8 By an act of faith, Abraham said yes to God's call to travel to an unknown place that would become his home. When he left he had no idea where he was going. 9 By an act of faith he lived in the country promised him, lived as a stranger camping in tents. Isaac and Jacob did the same, living under the same promise. 10 Abraham did it by keeping his eye on an unseen city with real, eternal foundations - the City designed and built by God.
Sarah
11 By faith, barren Sarah was able to become pregnant, old woman as she was at the time, because she believed the One who made a promise would do what he said. 12 That's how it happened that from one man's dead and shriveled loins there are now people numbering into the millions. 113 Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. 14 People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. 15 If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back any time they wanted. 16 But they were after a far better country than that - heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them.
Abraham
17 By faith, Abraham, at the time of testing, offered Isaac back to God. Acting in faith, he was as ready to return the promised son, his only son, as he had been to receive him - 18 and this after he had already been told, "Your descendants shall come from Isaac." 19 Abraham figured that if God wanted to, he could raise the dead. In a sense, that's what happened when he received Isaac back, alive from off the altar.
Isaac
20 By an act of faith, Isaac reached into the future as he blessed Jacob and Esau.
Jacob
21 By an act of faith, Jacob on his deathbed blessed each of Joseph's sons in turn, blessing them with God's blessing, not his own - as he bowed worshipfully upon his staff. 22 By an act of faith, Joseph, while dying, prophesied the exodus of Israel, and made arrangements for his own burial.
Moses Parents
23 By an act of faith, Moses' parents hid him away for three months after his birth. They saw the child's beauty, and they braved the king's decree.
Moses
24 By faith, Moses, when grown, refused the privileges of the Egyptian royal house. 25 He chose a hard life with God's people rather than an opportunistic soft life of sin with the oppressors. 26 He valued suffering in the Messiah's camp far greater than Egyptian wealth because he was looking ahead, anticipating the payoff. 27 By an act of faith, he turned his heel on Egypt, indifferent to the king's blind rage. He had his eye on the One no eye can see, and kept right on going. 28 By an act of faith, he kept the Passover Feast and sprinkled Passover blood on each house so that the destroyer of the firstborn wouldn't touch them. 29 By an act of faith, Israel walked through the Red Sea on dry ground. The Egyptians tried it and drowned.
Israelites
30 By faith, the Israelites marched around the walls of Jericho for seven days, and the walls fell flat.
Rahab
31 By an act of faith, Rahab, the Jericho harlot, welcomed the spies and escaped the destruction that came on those who refused to trust God.
Many more
32 I could go on and on, but I've run out of time. There are so many more - Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, the prophets. . . . 33 Through acts of faith, they toppled kingdoms, made justice work, took the promises for themselves. They were protected from lions, 34 fires, and sword thrusts, turned disadvantage to advantage, won battles, routed alien armies. 35 Women received their loved ones back from the dead. There were those who, under torture, refused to give in and go free, preferring something better: resurrection. 36 Others braved abuse and whips, and, yes, chains and dungeons. 37 We have stories of those who were stoned, sawed in two, murdered in cold blood; stories of vagrants wandering the earth in animal skins, homeless, friendless, powerless - 38 the world didn't deserve them! - making their way as best they could on the cruel edges of the world. 39 Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised.
40 God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours.
Questions!
How is faith is rational? (v. 3)
How is faith dependant upon revelation (irrational)? (v. 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8 )
How does faith involve trusting God? (v. 7, 8)
How is faith is an action word? (Requiring action) (v. 4, 7, 8)
How does faith discriminate/discern? (v. 26)
How do the following examples show about faith and what do we learn about their specific examples?

Able
Enoch
Noah
Abraham in both examples
Isaac & Jacob
Sarah
Isaac
Jacob
Moses Parents
Moses
The Others

Vacation

2006-06-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

Bats
Originally uploaded by Bonikastjames.

We went to the zoo. It's one of those bittersweet adventures. I love seeing the animals but them locked up is a bit sad.

Future

2006-06-07T09:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like a spinning top on the string of life. It makes it really hard to get your bearings.

I miss deep and long conversations but I think that most people find them tiring. I guess maybe it's cuz I want to talk about myself and what I think.

It's like as I throw the words out there they leave a point a reference that I can catch again as I spin round and round and as I lay a thick layer of words out I can finally see where I am and where I am going.

I don't know, maybe it's narcissistic to want to know myself so often and so clearly. I guess I should have more faith that it doesn't matter where I'm at and just relax. The problem is this life is the only I've known and I don't want to miss out on the picture I could see because I'm looking to the next.

I think some take my talk as a need to keep reaching forward... which is true... we all of us by our nature reach forward whether we want to or not. Maybe for me it's both reaching and just figuring out where I am.

Two streams

2006-06-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have a foot, one each, in two streams
The currents flow in different directions and at different speeds
I try to keep my balance while the waters teem
Fatigue entices me to jump to see where one will lead

I began my journey walking along one brook
It bore far but battered by the rocks
The other river will carry me beyond where I can look
yet now both have their claim and my strength mock

To jump would be a tragic and desperate thing
Instead I will steadfast stand abreast the two
Until the natural end that the seasons bring
I will stand in both as the diligent do

Seasons

2006-05-24T15:31:00.000-07:00

Spring is future
Winter is for the moment
Fall is for staying put
Summer is for running away

Friends

2006-05-24T15:26:00.000-07:00

I loose you and then I find you again
Sometimes you hold my hand sometimes you cut my fingers
I think I forget and then you are there again in my way
I wish I knew where your loyalties lie
Do you want to be my friend

I’d like to tell you a little bit about my life.

2006-05-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

If you were at church you heard it....

I was born in Salt Lake City Utah. I lived with my Mother, Father and sister in your common middle class house. And although I’d love to say that my experience was not common, it sadly is. I was abused sexually by my father from a young age. I’m not sure when it started but something my Grandmother once told me makes me think I was probably a toddler. I can remember for sure that from 2nd through 6th grade there were weekly and steadily escalating encounters that sometimes involved the whole family and sometimes just me or my sister. They were pretty awful but I’ll spare you the details. I was in 3rd when I drank my first mixed drink, in 4th grade the first time I smoked a joint and by 6th grade I was rolling and mixing my own like a pro. My father being incredibly overweight would weigh me every morning and then limit the amount I was allowed to eat to the point were I was no long allowed to eat while in the house but instead forced to sit with my family during dinner and watch them eat. As a teenager this resulted in multiple eating disorders.

It was a rough childhood. In some ways I felt normal and had normal experiences like learning to ride a bike and going to school but it was all underlined by fear, confusion and a desperate need for control. I was afraid of my father and had no confidence in my mother. I knew what was happening was bad, I just didn’t know what to do about it. Because my mother couldn’t or wouldn’t I would have intense debates with my Father over the issue and we would come to a “compromise” and things would be wonderful for a moment and then start back up where they left off.

Even when we moved to Washington when I was 12 years old and the worst had ended in the way of the sexual abuse and the drugs due to my growing strength of will. But we still feared for our lives if my father was upset by something. He had been a gun collector for years and if he stormed off to his room in the heat of the more often occurring arguments we would just hope he wasn’t planning to grab a gun. I was actually relieved to be kicked out of the house to live with my Grandparents at the age of 13 for a summer when I showed disrespect over a dented towel rack.

It was the winter of my 8th grade year that the secret I carried with me my whole life came out. I had guarded it like a rare treasure. Keeping my secret was the only control I excised in my young life.

It is interesting the circumstances under which my resolve finally melted. I had snuck out of the house to visit a friend, like I’d done many times before, but this time I got caught. When I came home I found the basement window locked. I was faced with a choice; get in the house later by the front door and face punishment or run away and play the only card I felt I held.

I went to a friend’s house and I told her mother that I was running away because I couldn’t stand the abuse anymore. I felt that I was lying as for the most part the sexual abused stopped when we left Utah, at least the worst of it. I was still living under abuse but more of the mental and emotional variety. In some strange way I thought that I was actually being dramatic and that what I was doing was causing more trouble that it was worth, just to avoid punishment. It shows you how naive a victim can be.

Instead of returning home I went to live with my cousin and her family on the family land as a “compromise” (that word was used in so many horrible ways back then). It was the first time I had lived without my sister. I worried about her. I also flirted with my cousin’s husband and struggled to maintain the bulimia that I had been nursing at home. My cousin didn’t have much to binge on. Those were a rough few weeks, bittersweet in their freedom and fear.

I was in school in Battleground for about 2 weeks when Social Services pulled me out of class to ask me if I had been abused. It seems my friend’s mother finally told them, two weeks after my visit to her house…
“Bonnie, have you been touched inappropriately by a family member?”
“Yes, but I won’t tell you who. [I can’t, I’ll loose my control]”
“We already know, you sister and mother have been talked with and they admitted it.”
“They did! [thank God, now it’s not all on me]”
“Yes, and we’d like to discuss what will happen now”
“What do you mean? [I knew it, there goes my control]”
“You are going to a foster home. Your sister is already there”
“[Cindy is there! I get to see her, she’s o.k.] O.k. I’ll go.”

That was my second visit from Social Services. I had a visit from them once in Utah but I lied about the abuse and expertly covered up the truth, I was 10. I had also had a councilor in Middle School shortly before running away beg me to let him know what was happening at home. A friend’s father had been overly affectionate with me and a friend, she told the school councilor, and I seemed all too familiar with and not shaken by the experience. I was sly and wouldn’t tell but vague hints. Poor guy, he just wanted to help. (I’ve since called him and told him I am now a healthy and functioning adult)

Stepping into the foster home was an amazing experience. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. It was beautiful. See, I had threatened my family (my dad’s parents and my aunt, uncle and cousin) the summer I lived with them that I wanted to expose the abuse. They had warned me that I would be ripped from my home and put into some home where no one cared for me, that I would have no control, my father would go to prison and beaten for abusing children and that my life would be ruined. My foster home was not at all the dank hellhole I had feared. It was instead a warm and inviting place, decorated for Christmas with adults who seemed to not have an ill desire for me in the world. (By Christmas I had presents under the tree from my foster parents and other generous folks). But most importantly to me my sister was there and seemed for the first time in a long time to be enjoying herself.

This is where the changes in my life started to take place. It felt like I was a tree that had been waiting to grow and with water and sunlight finally available I started to bloom. I started to realize that the life I had lived over. Carla and Terry are Christians and they introduced me to a real relationship with Jesus. With Jesus working in my life and with them as parents I started to re-learn how to relate to people, men, friends, conflict, my sister, everything…

I don’t know what would have happened to me if I hadn’t run away that night and ended up with them. It pains and scares me to think about it.

The changes weren’t easy. High School was a bitter sweet time for me. It took a while for my father to be charged and convicted… in fact the process of charging him, trying him and convicting him actually took longer than he ended up being in prison. But besides that I had to start to face and overcome some of the habits and belief I’d learned growing up. I had to get over my eating disorder to start, which meant gaining a lot of weight. I had to try to stop relating to men through sex which challenged my feeling of self worth and I had to try to learn how to stand up for myself without controlling or manipulating as I was used to doing.

I could go on for a long time to tell the story of my success and failure along the way but the bottom line is that God had his hand in my life from the beginning by protecting my mind in many ways from the cancer of abuse. He delivered me into Carla and Terry’s home. He started a relationship with me and there was a time where I didn’t trust him and gave up on him. He allowed me to walk away and return to him and my relationship with him is the better for it. He has never given up on me but continually gives me strength and hope to face the next challenge.

Now when I look back on my abuse I can see Jesus with me every step of the way. I can see him with me in the thick of the abuse. I can see him taking me out of it. I can see him walking me though becoming my own person. I can see him with me the day I faced my father as an adult and when I realized my dad had no power over me. I can see him in every thing and I’m grateful for his hands in my life.

I know that there is still more for me to learn and be healed of, but I trust with absolute certainty that God will lead me though and protect me. I know I’ve said it was hard but it would have been impossible with out Jesus.

When I think about where I’ve come from and what I’ve been through it amazes me to see who God is. Please know that no matter what you’ve been though, where you’ve come from, that there is hope for life and joy through Jesus and he is faithful to take you there.

Butt-nesa

2006-05-06T12:21:00.000-07:00

Butt-nesa
Originally uploaded by Bonikastjames.

Cinco De Mayo was fun and fairly low key. Although, my husband did break out the Erasure video again, so you can draw your own conclusions.

I think that it's great when someone says "I don't really care about anything right now thanks to the tequila" to have a sharpie on hand. Literally.

Today, it's off to rescue my bike from the shop... it should be not-so-squeaky clean if you know what I mean. I'm excited to finally be able to break with both the front and back tires. I'm hoping to start riding to work again. This will require a basket for my backpack. The question is wicker, metal or milk-crate. What will it be? I just don't want to look too silly.

My History

2006-05-05T17:10:00.000-07:00

My memories are mostly emotion
The rest is too hard to remember
Sadness or elation sweep over me
Flickers of my past that allude definition

Hello

2006-04-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't really updated in a while. I guess I've just been so out of the loop that I don't have much to write about. I've been really enjoying time alone for the first time ever. I guess it's a nice change not to feel like I'm constantly going.

Anyway.

I made a compost box and filled it up. That is really exciting for me... I also weeded. Wow, I'm so old.

Mmmm pollen

2006-04-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

I gave my Doctor allergies today... very exciting.

Currently my eyes burn and my nose itches... moving up my ears.

FUN!

I wish I was tired so I could sleep until my meds kick in.

2006-04-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

Music hurts

2006-04-08T10:28:00.000-07:00

O.k. it isn't the music the hurt me but the rather 3 Boddingtons I drank last night. BEDM rocked the house and I had a great time.... but this morning I'm feeling the after effects. Which are a huge headache and nausea. Too much rock for this girl.

In love

2006-04-05T10:20:00.000-07:00

I've recently fallen in love - with my office! I used to not like to hang out in the office room in our house as I only had a lame stool to sit on and it wasn't very comfortable. I moved a comfy chair in there and now I'm in love with the spot. I have been spending a lot of time in there lately surfing the next, listening to Podcasts and drinking various levels of caffeinated coffee.

I wish I was there right now.

What makes a good party?

2006-03-20T17:23:00.000-08:00

Johnny Crash and I were talking about parties/social gatherings the other night and what makes a great party. Here's the list according to me:

1. A small amount of friends, more than 2 but less than 10 - Too few or too many both carry too pressure in different ways.
2. Libations - I'd love to say it was as fun without them, but it's not.
3. Music and Dancing - Almost all of the best parties have had dancing at some point of the party, all have music.
4. Spontaneity - This is probably the most fickle and complicated part. You've got to have something happen that set's the party apart.

What do you think makes a good party?

The Pit

2006-03-20T14:09:00.000-08:00

Run, run away from me.
Go away from me now.
You can't fall into my need
You can't know how deep it is
Just back up and save yourself.

Lent, coffee and delusions

2006-03-14T11:35:00.000-08:00

It's Lent and although I'm not catholic I gave up sweets and booze. So far I have succeeded in neither. I have done better avoiding booze than the sweets. They aren't kidding that sugar a drug, it calls to me sometimes. My co-worker calls my devotion Lent Lite.

But what I love most is coffee. I'm not sure what it is with me right now but I really REALLY love coffee. I have never felt love for it so intensely as I do right now. Mmmmm..... Coffee.... I heard today that coffee is good for you according to yet another study by some guys who also like coffee. That makes me happy. I think I shall be fetching some here in mere moments.

In other news I got a new laptop. I had to bitch at Frys for 2 days to get it for the price I wanted but now it's mine so it was worth it. But my husband is been hording my laptop. That's o.k. cuz I know it's mine. See, I had to say "This is my laptop" to him because otherwise it would be horded into his little devise nest as all other electronic devises in our house do. He can use it but it's mine. Oh, who am I kidding. I probably have 2 weeks and I'll never see it again or I'll go to use it an it will have a NIN background and music editing software installed on it. Oh well, it's fun to pretend.

church

2006-03-14T11:10:00.000-08:00

In you I see Gods love
You are a sea of mirrors turned to God
Thank you for reflecting his light
Your life tells me the secret of his love
You friendship shows me his love for me.