joy

I've been trying to think about joy in a new way as to understand it's sources and how to set up more of my life around them. I was surprised to find out how much of my life I live just going through motions and numbing myself as to not focus on my lack of internal joy. As I've been forced to strip away so many of my distraction and self medications I was shocked to realize I didn't know where the joy was!

I know I have the most intense joy in God. There are moments when I'm elated to realize His love for me. There is this momentum that happens when I see his plan at work in life that feels like being on a roller-coaster. There are times I pray and see so much more that normal and it always is surrounded by hope and love and joy, even when the topic is painful. I want to have more of this in my life.

I love connections with other people where I can help them either physically or mentally. I love being available to be the person who cares and who will really help rather than just have good intentions but not actually do anything. I find joy in the doing and the giving. I also find joy in being appreciated for my work, which may or may not be a good thing as it can undermine just the act of giving. However, a day where a project gets finished or someone says to me "ah-ha! Now I get it" are some of the greatest feelings.

More later...