update

I went to work on Friday. I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not but I am glad I did. My coworkers are really a wonderful group of people. I was shown so much love and tenderness it truly touched my heart. I was actually a little overwhelmed by the love I felt. What a gift.

I have continued to receive kind words and love this weekend from my friends and family. Teresa took me to tea. That was a bright spot. I've had lots of emails and kind comments. That has been so encouraging. I wish I could say that it took the pain away, I can't, but it does help me know we'll get though this. It also helps to know I'm not alone. I've been surprised by the # of women who've experienced something like me.

Erik has been amazing. He is the best husband. He has been patient, sweet and playful. He pushes me a bit to smile and play but pulls back if I need him to. That is perfect for me. I know this has been hard for him too but it seems to me that he is mostly concerned about how I'm doing. I really am very blessed.

We went to church on Sunday at our friends church. I could have worshiped for a long time. I was so broken before God I wanted to praise him and to be comforted by him. I wish there was a place to go any time any day with awesome worship where it didn't stop until everyone was ready to move on or go home. (I guess that's me longing for heaven again.) I am grateful that this hasn't made me angry at God. I do hope he helps me through though because I feel like I'm becoming a bit depressed and I don't want to close myself off to him.

One of the hardest things for me to think about right now is hope. I'm normally a very hopeful person. I want to be hopeful that we'll get pregnant again and that it will work out but that seems so in conflict with how I should feel. I almost feel like it would be a lie to say 'we can do this!' I guess for now I can hope that I will find hope. Yes, I can do that and hope that I won't get too depressed or that my dark cloud won't linger long.

I made the decision to have the D&C on Tuesday. The not-knowing when things would happen was really stressful and also I was pretty scared of the process itself. At least this way it will be over and I can be prepared for how it will happen. I wanted to wait to let things happen naturally but it is just too hard for me. Now I just have to face how my body will react and how I will feel emotionally. I'm still scared but not like I was.

However, I don't like thinking about it or talking about it. Maybe I'll feel better when it's over. Also, I can't process what I will need, it's too hard for me to think about. Please bear with me while I work it out. Please keep praying for us. Please love on Erik.

I love you all.