Forgive me for rambling

Christmas is over and so is my birthday which usually marks the end of the season for me. It was good. I had some very fun times. Although there were some sad times too. All in all though there was something this year that was missing and I have walked away with a bit a cloud over my head.

I've realized how much I miss my sister being around. She is one of the only people I feel I can truly be myself with. (Erik would be the other although it is different) If I talk till my mouth hurts it is all the same to her cuz she'll do the same. I can be goofy or look horrible and she doesn't care. She can also really push my buttons and it's not all sunshine but I can say what I think and if I hurt her feelings I know we'll be o.k. Same goes for if she hurts mine, I know it will work out. When she leaves I feel partially empty. Not to mention I really like her husband, and so does my husband, so I can't but wonder at the potential we would all have to be close if she lived near by.

Then last year brought the loss of the Helix. I don't know when I'll get over this. I was bawling in church a couple weeks ago as the loss hit me afresh. I greatly underestimated the value of knowing my 'service' and feeling like I was pouring it out. I also underestimated how it would impact my relationships. Knew I would miss seeing my friends week after week and knowing what is going on in their lives. What I didn't realize was how I would miss feeling like we were plowing the same field with the same goal of glorifying God, praying together and worshiping together. Also, watching their children grow up a week at a time.

Serving in a church glues you together in a way that not much else does. The Helix was my community and now I'm watching the pieces drift apart. I know all involved are still my friends but it is not the same. I wish it could be. I am going to a new church but it's slow going. I really admire and like the people but it's still SO fresh that I've just lost. I'm looking at making this investment for a 3rd time in my adult life without being certain it won't be the last.

I long for a community That would be involved in my live and I it it. That would stay alive for the course of my life. That would be close to me and accept me. I want to be a part of the lives of people and their children and they with mine. I want to have traditions and know others long for my part in them as much as I long for theirs.

I feel that I'm being ungrateful for the friendships that I have. When I had my Christmas Tea and my Birthday party a good many of my most favorite people chose to be with me. I really enjoyed both days and the time I spent with my family. Those were very bright spots in the midst of all of this and I'm so thankful that I have these people in my life. I just I love them so much want to serve with them and be a part of their every day life. Or at least a part of their every week life.

When I write it out I can see that what I am longing for is Heaven. The uninterrupted union and harmony of my bothers and sister living and working together for God. That is kind of reassuring and a little frustrating. I'm sure it's blasphemous to say this but it is difficult for me to 'live for heaven' and not this life. Letting things go to trust God that in eternity they will manifest by His hand is very difficult for me. I wish it weren't so but it's the truth. I supposed if I lived with an eternal perspective I would live VERY differently. Hmmm....

It's so strange to me our hearts cry for what it will only have when they stop beating.