trees

Rolling back, riding along, clickty clickity clack.
Close my eyes, breathing in, travel down the track.
Letting go, holding on, floating in the tide
Bobbing, weaving through the past, while going for a ride
Fire lights a memory, stored within my genes
Awake and yet in the place touched within my dreams
Run my mind along the days, like hands along a fence
Strange to me how real it feels, this past and present tense
Bump and drift down the track of thoughts and memories
I plant my dreams and hopes and days like a thousand tiny trees

Xmas

I realized tonight that I can go many places with my imagination.  I was with Ela at the Zoo Lights on the train and I closed my eyes and thought of being on a train 100 years ago, riding in the cold across the country to some place.  I also felt that I could be 150 in the past at the tea, while lighting a candle at a table filled with china about to have ladies over for an event.  I also imagine sometimes, while sitting in front of the fire, how people have done so for all of history and that I connect with them in this way.

It's a process I really enjoy, thinking myself in the past.  Not because I wish I lived then.  I gave up on that fantasy a long time ago.  I LOVE flushing toilets and refrigerators.  None the less, I like to think about our history and what makes us who we are today.  I also like to think about community and communal experiences.  I think it is something we are losing touch with in this 'digital' age.  Not just community but our connection to our immediate surroundings.  At least this is true for me.

I'm looking forward to the snow that I hope will come this year.  I'm also looking forward to walking with Ela though Peacock Lane and a few other Christmas things I'd like to do with her.  It is SO wonderful to see her take in all the Christmas experiences.  It definitely takes me back to the wonder and joy of being a child at Christmas. 

Recipes

Moved Here:

http://antieverythingdiet.blogspot.com/

joy

I've been trying to think about joy in a new way as to understand it's sources and how to set up more of my life around them. I was surprised to find out how much of my life I live just going through motions and numbing myself as to not focus on my lack of internal joy. As I've been forced to strip away so many of my distraction and self medications I was shocked to realize I didn't know where the joy was!

I know I have the most intense joy in God. There are moments when I'm elated to realize His love for me. There is this momentum that happens when I see his plan at work in life that feels like being on a roller-coaster. There are times I pray and see so much more that normal and it always is surrounded by hope and love and joy, even when the topic is painful. I want to have more of this in my life.

I love connections with other people where I can help them either physically or mentally. I love being available to be the person who cares and who will really help rather than just have good intentions but not actually do anything. I find joy in the doing and the giving. I also find joy in being appreciated for my work, which may or may not be a good thing as it can undermine just the act of giving. However, a day where a project gets finished or someone says to me "ah-ha! Now I get it" are some of the greatest feelings.

More later...

Dump

My world is such a conflicting mess of pain, fear, hope, love, anxiety, joy, loss, desire, despair and dreams right now that I feel like I don't know where I land.

I want to be someone who thinks on good things and has a joyful disposition but I feel like that is outside of me right now. I get these glimpses of joy when I pray or when I stop to think about what is possible. Then I walk away from that moment and get stuck in the mud.

I want to let go of all the expectations I have for myself as a wife, mother, friend, student, woman and christian and find freedom. I'm just so afraid that what will happen instead is a life of selfishness and sloth. So I end up plagued by worries about what I should be doing to be "good" and resentful that I can't achieve it because I'm just tired!

I have so much. I am so blessed. Yet I fret over what I can't and don't have. I resent the change in my diet and mobility so much, but others have even less than that and find joy. I'm rich and yet I worry about money. I have a relative life of leisure yet I feel overworked and like I still can't catch up. How do you change that? I don't want to stop going to school, working, taking care of Ela, taking care of the house, participating in church and having friends and family with whom I connect... but how do I do all of that and have any energy. I start to feel so obligated to do EVERYTHING even the things that used to be the things I did for fun. Now I feel like all I have time left for is the minimum and I end up just cleaning, half focused on Ela, doing homework... kinda, and scraping what little is left into friends and church (and by the time I get there I'm grumpy and sad so that time isn't super fun because I'm so focused on what my problems are.)

I want to talk about things that are happy and fun to hear about. I want others to say "wow, she's so positive and funny, I love listening to that girl". Yet I find myself processing my fears and pain instead. I just feel like there are so many thoughts to understand and so many problems to workout to make this life make sense. So many ways to work on the problem of what is best or fair or loving or true. Do I give up on trying to figure that out too? Maybe I could just focus on big issues rather than those that are internal so it's less about what I'm thinking about.

I think there is some magical place where I can find God's joy and serenity and all of these things are just functions on TOP of that. Where it doesn't matter what I can eat or drink. Where it doesn't matter how my day went or how clean my house is and then I will have more room for joy when I'm connecting with people.

God, please give me your joy and serenity and help me to put all else in it's proper perspective. Help me to love my friendships and to be the kind of friend who is loved as well.

Updates

Well, not as many as I wanted.

Elanor is so adorable. She's trying to jump but only gets one foot off the ground. She loves cookies. Please is her new favorite word. She has quite a few new words if you can understand them. She's so friendly and affectionate. I love her so much.

I lost my temper with her the other day when she destroyed my lipstick in the car. I didn't hit her but I was more rough than I should have been. Especially when I think that she doesn't know any better. I still feel the sting of my actions when I think about her innocents and my anger. I hope I never get like that with her again. She is so precious and I always want her to see me as tender, patient and loving. I never want her to withdraw from me. Children really do make you realize your weaknesses. What an amazing lesson, if not a fun one.

However, she also brings SO much joy into my life. I've never had something that could bring a smile to my face day after day, just by thinking of her, the way she does.

Sunday

I am having a hard time sleeping cuz my mind is running. Solving the worlds problems. I've been kinda ugly in my mind about a couple things, mainly related to how I've been sick. I think it's getting better but I don't like being snarky and contemptuous. I want to shake it off.

Elanor has been getting better for a day and then back to sluggish for a day. I started her on antibiotics because I think she has an ear infection. I hope it helps. Her illness has had a couple of positive side effects. I feel closer to her. I realize I really DO like her here with Cindy way better than Day Care (I was thinking Day Care might be good as it is so structured and social) because Cindy is always here for her and offers her more than the day care can. Also, fewer germeys.

I think Erik and I need a couple more days to get over our post illness stuff. Hopefully there will be silver linings there too.

I am still working and schooling. I hope that I can work it out soon to just be in school. That would be SO much better.

Other updates:
Elanor now turns her head to the side when she is done eating in a very determined fashion. She likes The Muppet Show. She lays down on her stomach to read, color and play sometimes. Also in the tub.

I am still working on my pie technique but may give it a rest for a while as I'm trying to turn my illness into a kick start to a better diet.

My garden is doing o.k. but I still need to water more. I'm going to have lots of tomatoes and zucchini soon.

Today

I've been listening to a lot of audio books as mentioned. I just listened A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore. That was a great book with excellent witty dialogue and a very interesting story. It got a little long 2/3 of the way through but the finish was great.

I am currently listening to Lost Boys by Orson Scott Card. I've never wanted to be a Mormon so much in my life. He's a great writer and gets you really involved in the family of the main characters who are Mormons. They are struggling in a new town and he hints at some sinister doings which I haven't figured out yet.

Elanor is in daycare today while I work on the yard and school work. I took a nap which has left me feeling fuzzy and a bit unreal. Hopefully the coffee will break through soon.

I've been feeling more lovey toward Ela lately. I think it's because she's started to hug me. Also, I've been looking for a locket to keep some of her hair in. I think I'm starting to tap into a world of love and tenderness for her that I could loose myself in. It's kind of bittersweet to think about.

Erik is still gone but will be back in a week. I've missed him. It's easier to think when he's here. Ela looks for him upstairs, in his office and on my headphones. Funny.

July 27th 2010

I'm sitting at Paradox doing homework. I was going to work at Sylvania today but was angry and left. I wanted to return a mouse I bought but they wouldn't take it back. It was my fault for missing the 10 day window but the guy made a huge point of how I was over a month in returning it (by 5 days) and how he COULD have extended the day but wasn't going to. Thanks dude.

Anyway, after getting here my day has been brighter. I've finished my homework and plan to take in Inception this afternoon since Cindy is watching Elanor. Elanor and I had a great day yesterday too hanging with Cindy and Charlotte Saari. We walked to an awesome park and had a good chat. Then some of my favorite ladies came over for a movie night bbq. We ate yummy food and watched The Fall. To top it all off Tami brought me some clothes that I love.

Elanor has been waking up at 6 AM lately... I'm hoping this is a trend that will end with her back to her 7:30 wake time. It's just a bit early for me. However, it does ensure I'm up in time to have my Skype chat with Erik who it is 10:30 at night in China for my 7:30 am. They are great though, Ela sits on my lap with the iPhone and he and I talk. Every once and a while she'll pop her head up and say "Daddy!". It's cute.

Well, I'd better shove off. I've been here for 4 hours and I'm not sure if they appreciate my continued presence. :)